Generally Horrible

If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING and VERY AWESOME and HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS WILL DECIDE THE COURSE OF OUR NATION AND WE'RE MAKING GAY JOKES OMFG election, please check this box: □

In breaking news today, Mitt Romney is terrible and President Barack Obama is less terrible. Read all about it in today's FutureFuck Times-Picayune!

As you may have heard, Mitt Romney is a bully, so it makes sense that he would make inappropriate garbage jokes about President Clinton's private sex life. Especially the sorts of jokes that imply Clinton's a piece of shit and Romney is awesome.

Mr. Romney, there are lots of men who were TERRIBLE MONSTERS but never cheated on their wives! Like Hitler! (That's definitely a perfect Hitler reference.) And I'm not saying that cheating on a spouse is an ethically neutral thing, because betrayals of trust are pretty evidently bad, but I do really hate when men point and laugh at other men for cheating and make it about the dirty, naughty, scandalous SEX he had with someone other than his WIFE, which at best plays on the tired virgin-whore dichotomy of wives and mistresses, and, in the worst cases (LIKE THIS ONE) suggests that the real issue is how a man who cheats doesn't know how to take care of his property.

I dunno, Mitt Romney, I just think there's a way to address the ethical failure of personal betrayals without making it sound like the equivalent of "I would never use anything less than premium gasoline in my gold-plated moonmobile!" But maybe that's just me.

In other news, Obama says Romney is worse than John McCain. And, I can't believe I'm saying this because everyone knows I hate John McCain with the fiery passion of 10,000 suns, but I think the President is right. Romney probably is even worse than McCain. Which seems impossible since John McCain is the worst, but I guess Mitt Romney is the worstest.

Finally! Please let the following three stories perfectly underscore why the Democratic Party is a spineless shambles and this country is totally fucked:

1. JPMorgan Chase Executive Resigns in Trading Debacle: "Stung by a huge trading loss, JPMorgan Chase will replace three top traders starting Monday, including one of the top women on Wall Street, in an effort to stem the ire that the bank faces from regulators and investors. They are the first departures of leading officials since Jamie Dimon, the chief executive, disclosed the bank’s stunning $2 billion loss on Thursday."

2. Obama: JPMorgan Exemplifies Need for Reform: "Just hours after a top JPMorgan Chase executive retired in the wake of a stunning $2 billion trading loss, President Obama told the hosts of ABC's 'The View' that the bank's risky bets exemplified the need for Wall Street reform. 'JPMorgan is one of the best-managed banks there is. Jamie Dimon, the head of it, is one of the smartest bankers we got and they still lost $2 billion and counting,' the president said."

3. Obama Courts Private Equity Cash at New York Fundraiser: "On the same day his campaign launched an attack on Mitt Romney's record in private equity, President Obama is attending a big-dollar fundraiser at the Manhattan home of one of the industry's top figures. Hamilton 'Tony' James—the president of the Blackstone Group, the nation's largest private equity firm—is hosting a $35,800-a-head dinner for Obama, with 60 Democratic allies expected to attend, according to a campaign official. Many in attendance are expected to have ties to the private equity sector. ... The Obama campaign has been critical of other Blackstone executives—those who have donated to Mitt Romney's campaign—accusing them of 'betting against America' and doing 'less-than-reputable' deals that resulted in outsourcing and layoffs. It has not singled out James for criticism, though the company profited from many of those practices under his leadership."

Whooooooooooooooooops you cannot reform Wall Street when you need Wall Street to win and Wall Street does not want to be reformed. If only Wall Street didn't have SO MUCH MORE FREE SPEECH than the rest of America!

In good news for the President and for progress: "A well-known, openly gay supporter of Mitt Romney in New York has decided to withdraw his support for Romney and back President Barack Obama instead." Well, whaddaya know.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.