Fifty Shades of Goldberg (5. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE)

Hi everyone! It's been a while. Did you miss me? More importantly, did you miss Goldberg?

You might have noticed that I took the LIBERTY of renaming reimagining renaming this series. I did this for two reasons. First, I'm desperate to attract new readers. (Titties!) Second, I get off on the idea of y'all throwing up in your mouths.

I hate to start this week's installment on a down note, but Goldberg didn't mention Nazis in this chapter. Interestingly enough, this is also the chapter (a chapter) in which Goldberg argues that nothing could possibly go wrong by letting assholes with literal figurative axes to grind run the show.

In this chapter, we learn that liberals hate religion, and all have boners for separation of church and state. Also, this is bad because of all the arguments that bigots always make against atheism. Oh, and at no point in this chapter does Goldberg actually consider atheism (or agnosticism) to be a thing. As far as he's concerned, freedom of religion is about the freedom to choose a religion. Yawn.

Basically this chapter is some shit that Pat Robertson used a crayon to scribble on a place mat during an especially interminable wait for his Eggs Over My Hammy. How it got into this book, I'll never know. I mean, where's my Congressional hearing*?

This is also the point in the book where I finally figured out Goldberg's M.O. ('mo. heh.):

1. Write crap.
2. Get paid.

1. On the basis of because Jonah Goldberg said so, accuse liberals (or Mayor Bloomberg) of claiming that conservatives do such and such. (e.g., Liberals hate ideology.)
2. Point out (correctly) that some liberals (or David Frum) do the same thing. (e.g., Liberals have ideologies.)
3. Conclude that liberals are the worst things ever because for fuck's sake liberals do that one thing. (e.g., LIBERALS HAVE IDEOLOGIES!!!11!)
(4. Get paid.)

At his "best", Goldberg remembers to spend a bit of time fleshing out step two. (Step one's a non-starter with him.) Mostly, this book is just the last step (or two). Liberals are horrible because they are tired cliches. Bigger yawn.

As Jesus would say, let's get on with this shit:

"We're almost at the point where we have a constitutional crisis if [we try healing the sick] a kid says 'God bless you' to a sneezing public-school teacher."

Fucking liberals with their fucking hatred of Jesus. I hate you so much right now, Pulitzer Prize finalist Jimmy Carter.

I wish they were more like Goldberg, who knows his religion. He demonstrates this by means of a rambling series of paragraphs (not unlike these) where he spells out the entire history of Western Christianity, with special attention paid to England. Well, he skips the part about Henry VIII, but all the other stuff is in there. He even throws in a Cromwell joke.

Goldberg proceeds to explain that contrary to what you learned from Trainspotting 2: Calvinist Atonement, some of the folks that founded various states-to-be-united were a) no fun, and b) bigots. In other words, the founding fathers (by which I mean Cotton Mather) were totally in favor of state religions (just not a federally recognized one). The founding fathers (by which I mean the first Great Awakening) were way more older, more responsible than us, and totally bought this place for us, so we should really just STFU and do what they say.

"America. Don't make me turn this car around, mister."

This is also the point in the chapter where Goldberg pretty much admits that Christianity is already the United States' state religion, what with the prayers at the White House, the prayers at Congress, the God coins, all that. Liberals: Worst. Anti-theists. Ever.

Goldberg then backtracks to point out that the United States is totally secular, in that John Kennedy (a different kind of Christian) was able to get elected as president by merely promising not to do anything to Pope-y. It also helped Kennedy that his opponent's masculinity was so fragile that he refused to wear makeup for a televised debate. (You won't believe how that one ends.)

Goldberg finishes up with his strong suit, namely, decrying the fact that so many liberals (Democrats) are active members of mainstream Christian faiths. It turns out that President Obama has done all sorts of things in the name of his god (Christ). IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD HAVE POINTED THIS OUT. Then Goldberg complains that a lot of New Dealers thought the whole loaves and fishes thing was Christian. Next thing you know, dude's gonna be claiming that Jane Addams was a Christian. Wev.

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*When I first read that, I saw "Congressional herring." That would be a great mascot for Congress, assuming it needs one. It does.