Guns and Shit

[Content Note: Guns; gun affinity; gun violence; bullying.]

Hey, dipshits. It's me, Butch Pornstache, and I'm here as an official spokesman (or spokesWOMAN, ladies) of Straight White Conservative Maledom to talk some straight scoop at your asses on guns, gun ownership, and gun laws, because my stepmom Cheryl, who may as well be literally sipping latte when she insults America by drinking Corona Light (it's the "light" part I find offensive, not the Mexican part), is all ticked-off about America's love of totally legal high-powered assault weaponry in light of all these mass shootings, so I figured you'd be all ticked-off, too.

As usual, I find myself in the annoyifying position of having to choose between saying what I know is right and saying what I know will keep the dudes down at the gun range from pantsing the bejesus out of me—but, if there's one thing I've learned from my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy besides what a perfect mid-day snack string cheese is, it's that I really need to stop saying stupid shit I haven't thought about. If I'm gonna say stupid shit, it should be something I thought good and hard about and came to my own conclusions, not just repeating what I hear at swap meets and parking lot MMA fights.

Not that there's not a lot of good information at parking lot MMA fights. There is. But there's a lot of bullshit, too, man.

Anyways, I am literally a card-carrying member of the NRA, and I like guns a lot. Like, A LOT. I own a whole arsenal of them, which I keep in a secret locked-up hiding place that is not the rusty foot locker covered by a Star Wars sleeping bag behind my stepmom Cheryl's garage so don't even check there.

And as a card-carrying member of the NRA, I am very pro-NRA catch phrases, like: "The Second Amendment: America's Original Homeland Security" (HELL YEAH!) and: "NRA: Freedom's Frontline" (FUCK YEAH!) and "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands" (actually, I'd probably just give you one of my guns before I'd die for it, because I have like a million).

The one slogan I don't really like, though, which is my best friend Dick Balzac's favorite, and he's always yelling it, as if people can't just READ IT on the bumpersticker of his minivan, is: "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."

Ted Nugent would totally hold me down and fart directly in my mouth for saying this, but that slogan is bullshit, man. I am no Professor of Mathematics at Counting University, but I ain't no fucking dummy, either. Ain't no way that little pissant in Colorado or that d-bag in Wisconsin coulda killed so many people without guns. I have tried working it out every which way possible—slingshot, katana, portable mini-trebuchet—and the numbers just don't add up.

I guess what I'm saying is: People kill people, but they can kill a lot more of them if they've got guns.

And it makes me REAL MAD that next time I'm at the gun range, some dill-hole is gonna pee in my Mountain Dew when I'm not looking just because I said that. But IT'S TRUE. I don't even know why those fuckfaces even try to deny it, when the WHOLE REASON WE LOVE GUNS is because they are amazing kill machines!

I mean, have you ever even WATCHED Top Shot? The whole show is just a bunch of gun enthusiasts jizzing in their pants about how awesome guns are! (With the occasional super boring episode about bows and arrows. NO THANK YOU!)

All's I'm saying is that I have way more fire power than I need to kill a deer. And, honestly? I usually just buy hamburger meat at Dinky's Superstore, anyway.

I also have way more fire power than I need stop a home invasion, especially since it's usually just my brother Buck trying to steal my weed and I ain't gonna shoot him again. (Lay off—the first time was an accident!) You know I hate like hell when I accidentally LEARN SOMETHING from you femifarts, but I have noticed, if I'm perfectly honest, that the people who are most likely to get hurt in this country (and maybe even the whole world!?) are not the people who are obsessed with the idea of people trying to hurt them.

There's a lot of dumbasses buying guns because they're scared for no good reason, instead of for the right reason to buy guns like I do—because they're cool and shit.

So, in summation: Guns do, in fact, kill people. You heard it here first.

Pornstache: Out.

P.S. Does anyone want to buy any guns? I need to sell them to pay for Tammy's and my re-wedding.