Fifty Shades of Goldberg: 10. DISSENT

[Content note: violence]

“This seems so odd to normal Americans” – Jonah Goldberg commenting on the likes of you

Chapter Ten is about dissent, so it makes sense that the first mention of Nazis is on page three. Congrats to those of you who have page three on your fantasy teams!

Goldberg is pissed off because Thomas Jefferson didn’t say “dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” Also, you should really “bear in mind that even if Jefferson had said it, it would be no less dumb.”

LOL UR STOOPID!

Speaking of LOL STOOPID, words are bullshit:

[“Dissent” is] a word that often elevates buffoonery on its own. But when it’s tethered to patriotism it transmogrifies the lead of jackassery into the gold of stouthearted rebellion.

Totally, it’s like…

The reflexive contrarian who cares not what he’s contradicting is quite simply the most useless of citizens and annoying of coworkers.

It’s almost as if Goldberg is accusing dissenters of playing some sort of disingenuous game. It’s also almost as if Goldberg is doing a bait-and-switch, ignoring the unstated implication that we’re talking about “principled” dissent. Funny, that.

Speaking of fun games:

Just curious: If a marine throws himself on a grenade while fighting for his country, would you feel confident that you’d keep your teeth if you said something along the lines of, “Wow. What a hero. A true patriot. He’s almost as patriotic as that college professor who, from the comfort of his air-conditioned office, called the Marines baby killers and war criminals.

I’m just curious what Goldberg means by “you’d keep your teeth.” (Just kidding. He means that some asshole will likely assault y’all if you criticize the military. Go back to Red Russia, jerks!)

Fact Check: Criticizing the actions of the United States Department of Defense is the same thing as disrespecting the actions of an individual person. Governments and corporations and people are all the same thing. Well, except that the government is the anti-Christ.

Speaking of corporations…

Some of the chanting Occupy Wall Street protesters out there recycling their urine and filming gay porn movies in tents might also be interested in helping America, but many are simply motivated by an apish desire to join the crowd or a ritualistic yearning to take a sledgehammer to the foundation of a country they just happened to be born in.

If you haven’t seen the golden parachute scene in Stearn Bears, you haven’t truly lived.

Tents. Titter. Heh.

With the overtly homophobic section behind us (for now), it’s time to hear from Dr. Jonah, relationship counselor!

I am not saying that all liberals do not love America. What I am saying is that they are hopelessly confused about how to think about and, therefore express their love of her.

HEY PUSSIES, WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOUR NATION LIKE THE LADY SHE IS?

Put a ring on that nation, is all I’m saying.

Why do dudes insist on giving boats and countries feminine genders? Is it homophobia? "LOL dude UR so gay for ur schooner!" When I think of America's gender, the only thing that comes to mind is Tom Cruise's character from Magnolia.

Anywho... love, how the fuck does it work?

At the most basic level love is about acceptance. If you are constantly trying to chane the person you claim to love into someone he or she is not, there comes a point when it’s reasonable to ask whether you really, truly, deeply live the person for who he or she is. Barack Obama campaigned promising to “fundamentally transform” America. We would not think a husband who promises to “fundamentally transform” his wife has a healthy love for her.

Do you hear that, liberals? Citizenship is the same as marriage, and no-fault divorce is immoral. Also, collecting taxes is the equivalent of divorce. Oh, and you’re totally married to Sears Roebuck and other companies, so don’t even think of about your refrigerator.

Also: WOW.

In conclusion, normal Americans rule, whilst liberals drool.