Film Corner

[Content Note: NSFW; rape culture; racism; disablism; misogyny; bullying; violence.]

What in Farrelly Brothers hell is this?! Below, the trailer for a film called Movie 43, which has no apparent plot or point except to be as "hilariously" offensive as possible:


Real-life couple Anna Faris and Chris Pratt sit in a field on sunny day having a romantic picnic. Pratt has a diamond ring. He tells Faris there's something he'd like to ask her. She says there's something she'd like to ask him. They agree to ask each other at the same time. Faris blurts out, "Will you poop on me?"

UNEXPECTED, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut to Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone in a convenience store. "How's your HPV?" Stone asks Culkin. "It's your HPV, Veronica," Culkin responds. "I'm just carrying it!"

UNUSUAL, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut to Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant sitting at a table in a restaurant. "Truth or dare?" asks Merchant. "Dare," Berry replies. "See that blind kid over there?" asks Merchant, gesturing to a birthday party that's going on in a private room. "I dare you to blow out his candles before he gets a chance to." Berry looks horrified but amused, and goes and blows out the candles just before the child, wearing sunglasses, does.

UNCENSORED, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut to real-life couple Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts, who we're informed are homeschooling their teenage son. "It's important that Kevin has a normal and complete high school experience," explains Schreiber, followed by Watts walking past the boy on the stairs and knocks his books out of his arms, saying, "Dropped your books, fuckface!" then Schreiber looking at his naked and horrified son in the shower and yelling, "Guys! Come check out this kid's weird pubes!"

UNBELIEVABLE, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut to Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott in a basement, where a Leprechaun, being played by Gerard Butler, is tied to a chair. "Surprise!" says Knoxville. "Caught you a Leprechaun!" He rips tape off the Leprechaun's mouth, and the Leprechaun threatens to "cut off your balls and feed 'em to you!" He headbutts Knoxville, who complains, "Geez, they're so into balls." HA HA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE JACKASS GUYS ARE SO INTO HITTING EACH OTHER IN THE BALLS HA HA.

UNSPEAKABLE, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut to a team of young black male basketball players in a locker room with their coach, baby wipe aficionado Terrence Howard, who tells them they're definitely going to win because the other team is white and they are black. "You all go kill those Caucasians! You are black; they're white; this ain't hockey!"

JUST PLAIN WRONG, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut to a corporate board room, in which Jack McBrayer is introducing a topless Asian woman packed in a box. "The iBabe," explains Richard Gere, who is seated at the conference table, "is a high-fidelity music player." Says Kate Bosworth, "Kids are sticking their penises in the—" "Vagiport," interrupts McBrayer. "The fan then mangles their penises," concludes Bosworth. Gere asks another guy at the table if he noticed any problems during extensive testing. The guy shrugs, revealing a missing hand, and shakes his head no.

FROM SOME EXTREMELY WARPED MINDS, reads big block text onscreen.

Cut back to the homeschooled son knocking on his own front door, behind which is raging a huge party. His mother tells him he can't come in because a girl he asked out, with whom his father is currently dirty-dancing, is there and it would be "awkward."

PREPARE FOR, reads big block text onscreen. Montagery! Josh Duhamel cries. Elizabeth Banks looks aghast in a pink bathrobe. Schrieber hits his homeschooled son in the head with a basketball. A MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE. Chloë Grace Moretz is getting her period and doesn't know what to do! Her male friend calls 911 and screams, "My friend is bleeding out of her vagina!" THAT'S UNFORGIVABLE. Faris gasps. Justin Long, dressed as Robin, screams. Hugh Jackson NO HUGH JACKMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING gags at a restaurant. Kate Winslet looks horrified.

Cut back to the convenience store, where Culkin says to Stone, "I can't believe you sucked off that hobo for magic beans!" Indignant, Stone replies, "He was a wizard!"

Cut back to Winslet. "This is fucked up!"

Cut back to the picnic. "Poop?" asks Pratt. "On me," says Faris. J.B. Smoove tells Pratt, "You don't wanna be two-squeeze-mister-thank-you-please." WHICH MAKES SENSE.

Cut back to the boardroom. "Just when I think it couldn't get more offensive," says Bosworth.

Cut back to the picnic. "Poo," says Smoove.

Cut to some guy humping the cadaver of a beautiful woman in a morgue and then motorboating her. I can't tell who it is. Who cares. Everyone in this movie obviously thinks that is hilarious. Jesus fucking Jones.

Winslet gags. Culkin and Stone make out. Merchant thrusts his crotch at some women at the restaurant. Howard shouts at the basketball team, "How many fucking times do I have to tell you? You're black; they're white!" He holds up a game plan that simply reads "You're black!" He shouts at them, "The Lord did his part already! He made you black! He gave you a foot-and-a-half dick! Dribble with that motherfucker!"

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

And there are so many people in this movie who aren't even in the trailer! Kristen Bell! Uma Thurman! Bobby Cannavale! Tony Shalhoub! Aasif Mandvi! John Hodgman!

There is a character listed on IMDb called "Creepy Meat Fundler," which I bet is supposed to be "Creepy Meat Fondler," but EITHER WAY I would like to inform every actor involved with this production that WHEN THERE IS A CHARACTER NAMED CREEPY MEAT FONDLER (OR FUNDLER) IN A SCRIPT, THROW THAT SCRIPT IN THE GARBAGE!

According to IMDb, this movie is "a series of interconnected short films follows three kids as they search the depths of the Internet to find the most banned movie in the world." Sure. Sounds perfect. I can't wait to not see it.

The thing about this contemptible heap of celluloid garbage, at least as it's being marketed, is that it's not even shocking. It's just the same old tired bigotry, bullying, exploitation, and mockery of marginalized people about which I write every day, dressed up in a gross-out comedy.

There couldn't be anything less unexpected, unusual, or unbelievable than this swill.

Call me when you can amass that much talent for a film that challenges the tiredest tropes in the kyriarchy playbook, and then I'll be impressed.