Exciting Programming Note For Conservatives!

Set your DVRs, Tivos, and Hoppers, everyone! (Actually, if you have a Hopper, you can record this gem fourteen times at once and have just so many copies of it!) (Also, every sentence in this post will end with an exclamation point!) (¡Incluso las frases en español!)

Tonight is the debut of For the Record, an investigative news show à la Sixty Minutes airing on Glenn Beck's TV network!

Okay, hold the fuck on. Glenn Beck has his own TV network? When did this happen? (I Googlepediaed it: His steaming (typo, and it stays) web content is also carried on Dish Network. Yuck! I am glad I don't have Dish Network! Also: Weren't Dish Network the jerks who failed to keep The Walking Dead off the air? Thanks, Dish Network: strike two!

Of the show, Beck says:

"We are currently looking for our own Woodwards and Bernsteins. Maybe they don't exist anymore, and if that's the case I don't really care. We'll grow our own!"

It's weird that Beck doesn't know if there are any Woodwards around, especially since the original Woodward (Bob) HAS BEEN IN THE NEWS EVERY DAY FOR THAT LAST TWO FUCKING WEEKS! The thing you really want in a good newsman is total ignorance of the news, obviously!

For the Record will be hosted by Laurie Dhue, whoever that is! (She used to be on Fox, which is why I've never heard of her. She was previously on MSNBC, which is also why I've never heard of her!) I guess Beck will be on, too? I don't know. Let's hope so! And whomever is the Libertarian version of Andy Rooney. ("Ya ever notice all these poor people everywhere?")

Buzzfeed's McKay Coppins notes that the debut episode "doesn't break any news" which I think would be problematic. But then again, the target audience likes its journalism with a heaping dose of BENGAHZI! and a side of ACORN!, so this probably won't even matter.

Though, Glenn Beck adds:

"We hope that For the Record fills an important void in the marketplace — smart, deeply researched, and incredibly well-produced television journalism for an audience that is too often ignored by the media."

LOL! Oh, okay, Sure. Our fucking liberal news media has been ignoring conservatives for far too long. The jerks. Liberal news jerks! Why don't you ever invite conservatives on and ask their opinions? Seriously, I am sooo sick of seeing Phil Donohue and Jane Fonda on ABC News EVERY GODDAMNED NIGHT!

Anyway, tune in tonight. If you have Dish Network. If not, tough shit!