All the Hillary Nooz

[Content Note: Misogyny.]

Here are a few fun things I've read this morning:

Toby Harnden in The Sunday Times—Hunger Grows for President Hillary. It's a pretty typical story about wealthy Clinton backers getting their gold-plated ducks in a row in case Hillary Clinton decides to run again. I just love the headline—not only that she's "President Hillary," but that hunger is growing for her. We can't wait to devour her! A place my mind might not go, had I not seen her devoured already so many times.

Alexandra Jaffe at The Hill—Huffington: Hillary Clinton 'Obviously Running' in 2016:

Arianna Huffington, the editor-in-chief of the liberal-leaning Huffington Post, said on Sunday it's "obvious" that Hillary Clinton is running for president in 2016.

"She's obviously running," Huffington said on ABC's "This Week."

She added, however, that Clinton is "sending a bad message to women" in emerging back on the public stage so soon after her retirement.

"What I was hoping is that she would have been taken more time to become what she called, herself, 'untired,'" Huffington said.

"She hasn't given herself that time and I think that's sending a bad message to women, that the only way to succeed...is to drive yourself [into the] ground. After all, she collapsed. She had a concussion," she added.

Ha ha PERFECT. I love a little mind-reading and disablism mixed in with my fauxminist shaming of ambitious women!

As usual, however, Maureen Dowd takes the shit-cake: Can We Get Hillary Without the Foolery?

Please don't ask me this anymore.

It's such a silly question. Of course Hillary is running. I've never met a man who was told he could be president who didn't want to be president. So naturally, a woman who's told she can be the first commandress in chief wants to be.

"Running for president is like sex," James Carville told me. "No one ever did it once and forgot about it."

...As long as there are no more health scares — the thick glasses are gone — Hillary's age won't stop her. The Clinton scandals and dysfunction are in the rearview mirror at the moment, and the sluggish economy casts a halcyon glow on the Clinton era. Hillary is a symbol and a survivor, running on sainthood. Ronald Reagan, elected at 69, was seen as an "ancient king" gliding through life, as an aide put it. Hillary, who would be elected at 69, would be seen as an ancient queen striding through life.

...Hillary jokes that people regard her hair as totemic, and just so, her new haircut sends a signal of shimmering intention: she has ditched the skinned-back bun that gave her the air of a K.G.B. villainess in a Bond movie and has a sleek new layered cut that looks modern and glamorous.

In a hot pink jacket and black slacks, she leaned in for a 2016 manifesto, telling the blissed-out crowd of women that America cannot truly lead in the world until women here at home are full partners with equal pay and benefits, careers in math and science, and "no limit" on how big girls can dream.

"This truly is the unfinished business of the 21st century," she said. But everyone knew the truly "unfinished business" Hillary was referring to: herself.

I'm not even going to waste my time parsing everything that's wrong with that pile of garbage. I will just observe that in the neverending game of Can't Fucking Win that women are forced to play, Hillary Clinton has to be the ultimate contender: If she doesn't run for president—LOSE! If she does run for president—LOSE! If she runs and loses—LOSE! And even if she runs and fucking wins—LOSE! Because, geez, slow down, lady. Your reprehensible ambition is setting a bad example for women.

I can't even.