Discussion Thread: The Terrible Bargain

[Content Note: Misogyny; kyriarchy.]

From "The Terrible Bargain We Have Regretfully Struck," originally published August 14, 2009:

These [expressions of misogyny], they are not the habits of deliberately, connivingly cruel men. They are, in fact, the habits of the men in this world I love quite a lot.

All of whom have given me reason to mistrust them, to use my distrust as a self-protection mechanism, as an essential tool to get through every day, because I never know when I might next get knocked off-kilter with something that puts me in the position, once again, of choosing between my dignity and the serenity of our relationship.

Swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?

It can come out of nowhere, and usually does. Which leaves me mistrustful by both necessity and design. Not fearful; just resigned—and on my guard. More vulnerability than that allows for the possibility of wounds that do not heal. Wounds to our relationship, the sort of irreparable damage that leaves one unable to look in the eye someone that you loved once upon a time.

This, then, is the terrible bargain we have regretfully struck: Men are allowed the easy comfort of their unexamined privilege, but my regard will always be shot through with a steely, anxious bolt of caution.

A shitty bargain all around, really. But there it is.

Although this piece was written about interactions between men and women, it is applicable to any power differential conferred by privilege and marginalization. It has been borrowed and rewritten for different axes of oppression (here, for example, is Andy the Nerd's variation on distrusting cis people).

With wide application in mind, when was the last time you were left with the colossally awful garbage choice between swallowing shit or ruining the afternoon?