Sounds Legit

[Content Note: Homophobia.]

Sue Everhart, chairwoman of the Georgia Republican Party, has a serious concern about the legalization of same-sex marriage:

[O]nce gay nuptials are legally permitted, there will be nothing to stop a straight person from exploiting the system in order to claim marital benefits.

"You may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow," Everhart said. "Say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. I mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you're gay, and y'all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits? I just see so much abuse in this it's unreal. I believe a husband and a wife should be a man and a woman, the benefits should be for a man and a woman. There is no way that this is about equality. To me, it's all about a free ride."

Sure. Because if there's one thing we know about different-sex marriage, it's that no one ever does it for reasons other than True Love Which Lasts Forever. And, as we all learned from the classic Gérard Depardieu vehicle Green Card, even in the RARE EVENT that a man and a woman who hate each other decide to get married for opportunistic reasons, true love will find them, anyway. LIKE IT OR NOT.

It's science. Look it up.

Can we be sure the same thing will happen to two straight people pretending to be gay for healthcare benefits? I DON'T KNOW. Until Vincent Cassel makes an African-scored rom-com about it, we will probably NEVER KNOW.

Obviously, I am not as imaginative as Chairwoman Everhart, so I can't imagine the fauxmopocalypse that she can. All I can imagine is making sure every human being has access to the same rights and benefits as individuals, so no one ever has to get married in order to access medical care, because I am super uncreative like that. Clearly, privileging different-sex couples and imagining they never get hitched for less-than storybook romantic reasons like benefits, access to military housing, political appearances, familial pressure, or because they want to have kids and, hey, this person seems good enough for some procreation that can't be delayed any longer, is a much more creative solution than my boring old scheme.

Anyway.

Lest you imagine that Everhart is just ridiculous and not also hateful:

Everhart also expressed a distaste for homosexuality, which she argued is unnatural.

"Lord, I'm going to get in trouble over this, but it is not natural for two women or two men to be married," Everhart said. "If it was natural, they would have the equipment to have a sexual relationship."

Um.

Someone please send Ms. Everhart Dink Flamingo's entire back catalog—STAT. Mark it "educational materials."