Film Corner: Last Vegas

You know how you've been saying for years how you would totally love The Hangover if only the guys in it weren't so young? Like that time you sent me that email where you were all, "Why can't The Hangover be grandpa-ier?" Or the other time you tweeted: "Sry, Todd Phillips, call me when ur ready 2 get ur fogey on. #nothx" Or that time your Facebook status was: "When will HOLLYWEIRD get serious and give me some raunchy dudebro comedy with mature gentlemen who have won Oscars? THE TIME IS NOW."

Well, your day has finally arrived, my friend.

Below, the trailer for the upcoming Universal Pictures picture Last Vegas (see what they did there?), starring Academy Award winners Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, Robert DeNiro, and Kevin Kline:


Sir Michael Douglas sits on the edge of his bed in his nicely appointed bedroom, calling his three BFFs on his mobile phone. In their respective homes, Sir Morgan Freeman, Sir Robert DeNiro, and Sir Kevin Kline answer their phones. "I got news," Sir Mikey D tells them. "I'm getting married." Sir Robert DeNiro tells him, "Tell her she's making a huge mistake!"

And then, because this is a trailer for an American movie in the year of our lord Jesus Jones two thousand and thirteen, the zany music kicks in and this trailer begins IN EARNEST, son!

"Welcome to Las Vegas!" exclaims Sir Mikey D, now in Vegas, wearing shades and bearing fancy drinks for the lads. "I want all of you to get in trouble." Ohhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh. Cut to The Club. (What club? Who cares?) A young white woman asks Sir Kevin Kline if he and his pals have drugs. "Does Lipitor count?" he asks. HA HA COMEDY GOLD. That joke is so terrific it made me hop out of my chair and do the Charleston with major jazzhands for fully thirty seconds.

"FOUR FRIENDS" says onscreen text, followed by a photo montage that informs us they are childhood friends. Which is impossible, since Sir Morgan Freeman was born in 1937 and is 75 years old, and Sir Kevin Kline was born in 1947 and is 65 years old, which according to NASA is approximately 10 years apart. And, with no disrespect to either of these handsome men, they look like they are 10 years apart. That said, I can only assume this will be the least incredulous premise for which I am asked to suspend my disbelief—nay, my entire cognitive capacities—by this garbage movie.

"We're going to party like it's 1959," says Sir Kevin Kline. The year when Morgan Freeman was 22 years old and he was 12.

Montagery! Sir Robert DeNiro pushes Sir Mikey D into a pool. Great stuff. A young black man quips, "This is gonna be one sloppy weekend." Perfect. "FOUR NIGHTS" says onscreen text. All four Academy Award winners are onstage in chairs at some huge outdoor daytime party. "It's this man's bachelor party!" screams the emcee, who is being played by LMFAO. Girls in bikinis appear. Hooray! "FOR THE AGES" says onscreen text. "Four Red Bull vodkas!" shouts Sir Mikey D in a bar. Sir Robert DeNiro shadowboxes in a mirror, which is a neat reminder that he won an Oscar for Raging Bull and now is in this movie.

MORE AND MORE MONTAGERY! The gentlemen travelers pour liquor into the gaping mouths of sexily clad young women sitting in a line of chairs. How neat for everyone! Sir Mikey D checks out some ladies' asses on the sidewalk. A woman in black short-shorts and a pink bra asks, "Which one of you is Sam Harris?" and they all raise their hands. HA HA THESE GUYS.

"ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS" says onscreen text, and their names appear one at a time in beat to the music: "DOUGLAS, DENIRO, FREEMAN, KLINE." Followed by: "LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE." Unless you've seen The In-Laws, The Bucket List, Little Fockers, or French Kiss! Ha ha just kidding. No one's seen any of those films.

Cut to Sir Morgan Freeman drinking his Red Bull and vodka and talking drunk and fast while his friends snicker at him: "Boy, these Red Bull vodkas are strange I feel like I'm getting drunk and electrocuted at the same time I probably should get up and dance but I'm usually having a partner well doesn't seem to matter to that fella maybe I'll give it a shot maybe not maybe NOW!" He gets up to dance and his friends laugh and cheer. Text onscreen: "LAST VEGAS."

Cut to the requisite slow-motion scene of the four gentlemen thespians strolling down the sidewalk shoulder-to-shoulder, you know, just like how normal people walk down the street together.

"IT'S GOING TO BE LEGENDARY" says onscreen text. "COMING SOON."

Not soon enough!