Assvertising, Part Wev in an Ongoing Series

[Content Note: Description of shingles.]

I have seen this advert no fewer than one biebillion times recently:

Image onscreen of a red, inflamed network of sores accompanied by text reading: "SHINGLES: The Inside Story." An older white man, who is identified as "Steve Sinofsky, Retired Deputy US Marshal," tells his story while sitting in an otherwise empty office: "I woke up to a blistering on my shoulder—the blisters were oozing and painful to touch. I spent 23 years as a deputy United States marshal; we get up early and stay up late; there was a lot of running, a lot of fighting; I've been pretty well banged up. But the worst pain I ever experienced was when I had shingles! I was going through some extremely difficult training, and I couldn't do it. When we were going through pursuit driving, I couldn't put a seatbelt on because the pain that would've been caused by the seatbelt rubbing against the shingles would have been excruciating. When I went to the clinic, the nurse told me that it was the result of having had chickenpox."

A female voiceover says, over text onscreen reading the same: "If you had chickenpox, the SHINGLES virus is ALREADY INSIDE YOU."

Back to Steve Sinofsky, where text onscreen reads: "Your risk for shingles increases as you get older." Sinofsky says: "I had never heard of shingles prior to that point, and I've always been relatively healthy."

A female voiceover says, over text onscreen reading the same: "1 IN 3 people will get SHINGLES in their lifetime."

Back to Steve Sinofsky: "The rash, the itching, the burning that I experienced on the side of my neck and my shoulder—I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

Image of red, inflamed network of sores with text reading: "Talk to your healthcare professional. shinglesinfo.com." A female voiceover says: "Talk to your healthcare professional." Merck logo.

Okay, so everything about this advert is strange. It's not a PSA for a common but little-talked-about illness; it's a bunch of random fearmongering about a common but little-talked-about illness, because Big Pharma's quarterback, Merck, evidently has some fancy new shingles drug. I guess? It's not like the advert actually says that. It just says you're probably going to get shingles when you're old and IT IS TERRIBLE! So talk to your doctor about that. Or something.

Oh, and also? Did we mention it's TERRIBLE? Because it is SO TERRIBLE. This tough guy says it's the worst pain ever, and he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy, who, by virtue of his job as a deputy US marshal, is probably Al-Qaeda, so that's how terrible it is! It's too terrible for Al-Qaeda! Worse than drones.

What is this commercial?!

I mean, my grandmother had shingles and OMG it was indeed very painful and awful for her. I'm not saying shingles isn't actually very terrible and serious. I'm just saying WHAT IS THIS COMMERCIAL?!

Upon seeing it again yesterday, I did the only logical thing for someone annoyed by a stupid advert. I texted Deeky.

Liss: Why the fuck are there commercials about shingles now?

Deeks: THE SHINGLES VIRUS IS ALREADY INSIDE YOU!!!

Liss: "If you had chickenpox, you could definitely get shingles someday! What? No, no way to prevent it! Just wanted to give you some more shit to worry about!"

Deeks: LOLOLOL.

Liss: We are so fucking middle aged. They ain't showing shingles adverts on MTV! "Run this shingles commercial 97 times during every syndicated re-run of Law & Order and NCIS!"

Deeks: What's on MTV? Skittles commercials?

Liss: Lube and acne commercials.

Deeks: LOLOLOL.

Liss: It's real bullshit, too, because I like fancy lube! And I have acne! But not shingles...YET!