Breaking Bad Open Thread

"I'll have the whoooooops with a side of oh shit."
[Spoilers are running around in their underpants herein. Content Note for references to violence.]

OMG THIS SHOW!!! It is SO INTENSE!!! WALT IS SO TERRIBLE!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!! What is happening?!?!?! What is GOING TO happen?!?!?! I CANNOT CONTAIN ALL MY EMOTIONS ABOUT THIS SHOW INSIDE MY BRAINPAN!!! THEY ARE SPILLING OUT IN EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! !!! !!! !!! AHH!!!

When last we left Walt WHO IS SO TERRIBLE, he was in Hank's garage, and he had warned Hank to tread lightly, which was fucking terrifying for us all, I ASSUME, because Hank is very lovable (HA HA THE DEA AGENT IS THE LOVABLE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW!) and Walt is the worst, and we all know, better than Hank, of what Walt is really capable.

On the one hand, it's like: GET WALT, HANK! GET HIM! On the other, it's like: Hank, please throw Walt out of your garage, then put Marie and all her purple shirts in your SUV and drive far, far away and hope that Walt's cancer kills him before he murders the fuck out of anyone else, especially you.

But of course Hank is Hank, so he throws Walt out of his garage and then calls Skylar and tells her to meet him at the greyest diner in Albuquerque. Meanwhile, Walt is trying to call Skylar at the same time, and he and Hank have a dueling mobile phone stare-down, which is AWESOME, before Walt literally burns rubber to get to the money laundrette car wash, just missing Skylar who goes to meet Hank. SHIT!!!

Meanwhile, Jesse's brain is broken, and an elderly man with a kind face follows a trail of the cash Jesse was throwing out his car window to a playground where Jesse has ditched his car and his bags full of dirty blood money and is slowly spinning himself on a merry-go-round while his sanity drips out of his ears.

And this scene, set on a playground, is yet another brilliant reminder that Jesse is still a kid. Like how he still calls Walt "Mr. White." And how he awkwardly sat at dinner complimenting the green beans when Walt made him stay for dinner and Skylar quietly seethed and drank a bottle of wine. Jesse is still a kid. He is a kid who has gotten in way over his head, and a kid who has done terrible things, not least of which is murdering Gail, and a kid who pretty much got into this whole thing because he was in desperate need of approval and acceptance and love, and he mistakenly, tragically, thought that Mr. White might be the one to give it to him.

Anyway. Walt, not being able to get a hold of Skylar, runs to Saul Goodman's office, and Saul's lackeys, Kuby and Huell, are dispatched to the storage unit to collect Walt's mountain of cash, but not before they roll around in it a little first. They deliver the cash to Walt in a rental van full of filled barrels, and they exchange THE BEST look when Walt is content with whatever amount is in there, which means they're pretty much millionaires now. Congratulations, Kuby and Huell!

Walt drives the van out to the desert and digs a ginormous hole in the ground and buries the barrels of cash. This is such back-breaking ("Breaking Back") work, I can't believe he didn't hire someone to dig the hole and then just murder that guy, because it's not like Walt gives a shit about anyone anymore.

He is still VERY SMART, though—his problem isn't stupidity; it's always hubris—so he memorizes the coordinates of his money hole from a GPS, then smashes it to bits and buys a lottery ticket with the coordinates. Please let the final scene of this show be Walt winning a massive jackpot as he falls to his knees in a hail of bullets!

Elsewhere in the desert, Lydia demands to be taken to the new meth-making facility, where her high heels sink into the sand and she complains about how dusty it is inside the meth lab buried in the ground. Todd shows up and murders everyone, because he is a murdering machine. What's going to happen with all these bozos?! I bet Jesse will tell someone about Todd killing that kid someday, and then Todd will give up Lydia. And I have about a 2% track record of correctly guessing what will happen on this show, so you can definitely take that to your storage unit and let Kuby and Huell roll around on it!

Meanwhile, at the diner, Skylar sits and listens while Hank talks to her about how Walt is terrible and how he can help her and how she needs to give a statement about how terrible Walt is so he can arrest him. And Skylar says she needs a lawyer ("Better call Saul!") and Hank is all buh? And Skylar is all, "AM I UNDER ARREST?!" and then runs out. SHIT!!!

Also during this conversation over no lunch, Hank informs Skylar that Walt's cancer is back, which she didn't know, because lying to Skylar is one of the many reasons why Walt is terrible. And when "chronically lying to your wife, including about whether you have cancer" doesn't even crack the top ten list of terrible things you do, you are SO TERRIBLE YOU ARE THE WORST.

Hank goes home and tells Marie what's up, and she goes to confront Skylar, and it is just one of the most heartbreaking and intense scenes of the show ever, which is really saying something. Marie tries to assess how long Skylar has known about Walt, and finally asks her, clearly fearing the answer, "Have you known since before Hank was shot?" Skylar's confession is a tearful attempt at an apology, which Marie rejects with a smack. I do not condone violence, but I CANNOT BLAME HER. SHIT!!!

Marie tries to leave with the baby, but Skylar resists, and Hank intervenes, telling Marie to let Skylar keep her child, even though he, LIKE ALL THE REST OF US, definitely want to get that baby the heck out of there. You don't even have to like babies to know that they don't belong around WALTER WHITE.

Back at home, Marie tells Hank he's got to tell his colleagues about Walt, and he says he needs more evidence first, because he knows his career is over the moment he tells them Heisenberg is his brother-in-law, and, in one of my favorite lines ever of the show, he tells her: "When I go in there, I'm bringing proof, not suspicion. I can be the man who caught him...at least." That pause, before the "at least." OMG. You think that sentence is going in one direction—I am getting the credit—but it's really going somewhere else entirely—I have to contribute this. Fuck. This show. SO GOOD.

Meanwhile, Walt collapses on the bathroom floor after arriving home following his mega-dig, and, when he wakes up, he tells Skylar he'll turn himself in if she keeps the hidden money a secret. "Please don't let me have done all this for nothing." But Skylar says he shouldn't turn himself in, and assures him Hank has no evidence, and suggests they just stay quiet. OMG. She is in it to win it with this guy.

In the final scene, Jesse is in an interrogation room with Albuquerque police who are questioning him about the money. Jesse just sits in silence with a thousand-yard stare. Hank shows up and asks if he can have a few minutes with Jesse. The police officers agree to take a smoke break, and the episode ends as Hank enters the room to speak with Jesse. SHIT!!!

This show. THIS SHOW!!!