LOL FOREVER

Let's all watch this video and/or read my terrific transcript about Fox News' shiny new News Center, so we can all laugh at it together FOREVER.


Shep Smith, Fox News Anchor, a middle-aged white man in a grey suit, is onscreen in the middle of the new "High-Tech Fox News Deck," to which I will be referring from hereon out as Gleep Glorp HQ. Behind him are a bunch of young white people sitting in front of GINORMOUS white monitors. Speaking directly to the camera, he says: "Welcome to the Fox News Deck at Fox News headquarters in New York. It's in this building seventeen years ago that Fox News revolutionized the way broadcast news is presented to the people. And it's in this room that we plan to do it all over again."

Cut to fast-motion video of the space being remodeled, over which Smith says: "It's been almost a month since I signed off for the last time from Fox Report, and what's happened in this studio since then has been nothing short of extraordinary. Construction crews, computer programmers, and journalists have been working around the clock to build the Fox News Deck." Audio of working. EXTRAORDINARY. "From the lights to the floor, everything has changed." Still image of two white men pointing remotes at a television that is turned off WHUT. "And for good reason—because you've changed as well."

Cut to another middle-aged white guy, who is identified as Jay Wallace, Vice President of News. Of ALL the news, or just Fox News? ALL OF IT! If there is news, he is the vice president of it! He says, in the most disinterested voice possible, "Viewing patterns are changing, uh, the way people consume news is changing, um, people aren't so linear—they don't sit down and watch TV at a certain hour, you know, and stick with the same thing from show to show to show." This is why he gets the big bucks, people.

Cut to video of a white female hand holding a remote. In voiceover, Smith says, "You're tuning in on YOUR time." Video of people browsing social media. "And you're looking for more than just a recap of the stories you've followed all day."

Cut to a middle-aged white woman, who is identified as Kim Rosenberg, Senior Executive Producer. She says, "We're trying to fuse the old way of doing TV news with this new reality, which is smart phones. Apps. The internet. Your computer." Your laptop. Your tablet. Your atomic watches. Your refrigerator with ice coming right out of the door. Your LED-lit sneakers. ALL THE GLEEP GLORP MACHINES.

Cut to scenes of white people looking at and touching big screens at Gleep Glorp HQ. In voiceover, Smith says, "Just like you, we get our news across multiple platforms. Audio of white people talking about NEWS while clustered around giant screens. "And THIS is the place where viewers can watch us sort it all out as it happens." COOOOOOOOL. Cool journalism!

I mean, I was never under the impression that Fox News was doing fact-checking in the first place, because facts are kinda beside the point when you're deliberately spreading misinformation, but they make a BIG DEAL to their daft viewers about all their Very Serious Fact-Checking, and now they're even 86ing that hilarious conceit. "Nope—straight into the air, direct from TWITTER!"

Cut to a young white man, who is identified as Jonathan Glenn, Senior Producer, who explains, "A lot of people don't have the time to sift through everything at once and to figure out what's true or if this tweet they got from a friend, or a Facebook post from a friend, is actually accurate." Deep, meaningful breath. "We're gonna do that for them." YOU GODDAMN HEROES! "We're gonna sift through that information and we're gonna find out what's true and we're gonna let 'em know."

Translation: We are going to continue to filter out any and all facts that contradict our partisan agenda and/or threaten the delicate hold our viewers have on their garbage ideological that is dependent on not actually coming in contact with people whose experiences may be different than their own.

Cut to images of Gleep Glorp HQ, with people milling around DOING NEWS. In voiceover, Smith says, "But in order for ANY of that to happen, we had to completely overhaul the way our news-gathering works."

Back to Jonathan Glenn: "It really is gonna be a little weird for us, I think. It's, uh— We're not used to doing our jobs on camera." LOLOLOL.

Back to images of Gleep Glorp HQ and Smith in voiceover: "But that's where our journalists will be—using BRAND NEW tools to track developing stories." (Brand new tools like computers? With giant oversized screens? LOL.) "And bring them to your screen as quickly as possible." None of this makes any goddamn sense, of course. Aren't these "journalists" still going to have to deliver the allegedly vetted information to an anchor, or is everyone just going to take turns shouting BREAKING DEVELOPMENTS directly into the camera?

Cut to yet another middle-aged white guy, identified as Peter Blangiforti, VP of Graphics Engineering, who explains with what I will describe as less than exuberant enthusiasm: "We, uh, built an amazing set. We introduced some, uh, very new technologies, some of which have never been used in a live television production before." (Ohhhhh, is that what makes them "very new"?) "And, uh, we're just real excited about, uh, showing it off."

Over video of mostly young, mostly white people working in Gleep Glorp HQ, Smith says, "Our team has spent weeks training to use these cutting edge computer programs."

Cut back to Kim Rosenberg: "The software part of it is the thing that's gonna make it different. It's the thing that's gonna make us fast. It's the thing that's gonna make everything happen in an instant." I imagine this AMAZING computer program that vets news for Fox viewers to be two checkboxes labeled "Conservative" and "NOOOOOOOOO!" that sifts only the former directly to the anchor.

Over video of a white dude touching a monitor, Smith says, "Journalists will operate that new software from their new workstations—55-inch touch-screen computers, any one of which we can put on the air at a moment's notice." Did I mention all the monitors are white? All the monitors are white, too. Really. Just like almost all of the people using them.

Back to Peter Blangiforti: "We looked at technologies that are available in ANY environment, whether it be something that the government uses; we looked at presentation systems that are used at corporate headquarters; uh, we've used social media tools that are used by kids." Government + Corporations + Children. PERFECT. "We've merged 'em all together."

Montagery; Smith says: "It's an ambitious move for Fox News, representing a major commitment to you—our viewers." So you'd better be grateful, peasants. We're DOING OUR JOBS FOR WHICH WE ARE HIGHLY COMPENSATED for you!

Back to Jay Wallace: "We've invested a lot of money in this studio, and Shep is gonna be the person who really is our gatekeeper into taking everything that's coming in and pushing it out to our audience." Gross?

Back to Kim Rosenberg: "It's a pretty hefty task, but we're gonna give it a go." STOP STOP YOUR ENTHUSIASM IS TOO INFECTIOUS! "It probably won't be perfect at first, and, eventually, I think this concept will be copied, and this will be the norm." Uh, hello. CNN already has A HOLOGRAM. Please.

Back to Jonathan Glenn: "I think people are gonna realize they're seeing something that they've never seen before." And if they don't realize it on their own, we'll tell them, like we're doing right now, because we're Fox News, and that's what we do for our viewers. We tell them what to think. And then they think it. It's a terrific system that is destroying the country as we speak. "And I think, uh, I think they're gonna find it pretty cool."

No sooner is "pretty cool" out of Jonathan Glenn's mouth than we cut to Shep Smith back in Gleep Glorp HQ holding what looks like a fucking Wii remote which he waves around like a wand at a giant, curved screen at the top of the room, to move the order of pictures on it. Which I suppose would be pretty impressive if you've been retired for 20 years and have never seen a PowerPoint presentation.

"And it takes A LOT of tools," Smith tells us. "Here's one new one that we've gotten. This is a piece of equipment that's been installed—and never been used in broadcast television before—but it allows me to manipulate this 38-foot long video wall. Uh, for instance, I can take this picture and bring it over here. Take this lady who's been evacuating from a hurricane zone and move it over here. I can slide them all down and around in an effort to give you an idea of what's happening in a certain area." LOL WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!

Cut to Smith motioning around the room at all the dipshits sitting in front of giant white monitors while sitting in white chairs. "We'll use ALL OF THESE PEOPLE here—information specialists—to try to make sure things are well-vetted and confirmed to the degree that we can." TO THE DEGREE THAT WE CAN! LOLOLOL! Smith moves in front of a giant monitor affixed to the wall, with three sections labeled NEWSWORTHY | INVESTIGATING | CONFIRMED: "And here, investigating different items that have come in—a report from the New York Times, a couple of tweets—" LOLOLOL! STOP!!! "—that our information specialists are trying to bring together."

Smith points to the CONFIRMED board. "And then over here, the information specialists behind you now have gotten confirmed." OMG. "And they're all working off brand new computer technology." He gestures to a giant white monitor. "We call these BATs—Big Area Touchscreens." He scrolls across the BAT, where information from multiple sources is collated exactly as it is on my HTC One mobile phone. "And this allows us to go through ALL of our vetted sources, and it compiles the different stories that we may or may not be using into one easy-to-use platform." LITERALLY THIS IS THE SAME SHIT THAT'S ON MY PHONE!

Smith continues: "It'll be a seamless effort throughout the day and night, all the time on Fox News Channel, between the programs and the news." The programs. LOL. GLEEP GLORP! "News pops in when news breaks. That's sort of the nature of news." Genius. "And we thank you for trusting us for your news and information—and I'll see you on the Fox News Deck whenever news warrants." No you won't. Fin.