This Movie Looks Terrific and Let's All Go See It

[Content Note: Christian Supremacy.]

As you may recall, following his most recent failed presidential bid, former Republican Senator Rick Santorum decided he would try his hand at filmmaking, and soon thereafter became CEO of EchoLight Studios, a "faith-based film company."

People have asked me how is it that I can go from politics to working in the movie business. I simply say: if liberal Hollywood actors and producers can get involved in politics then conservative politicians can get involved in Hollywood.

Ha ha sure. Anyway.

Via Raw Story, below is the trailer for EchoLight Studios' upcoming Christmas film, The Christmas Candle, which is based on a book of the same name. According to a press release from Patriot Voices, Santorum's nonprofit, The Christmas Candle will be "the only Christmas movie slated for release this fall, and it actually talks about the real, true Christmas story."

I was pretty sure that it says in THE CONSTITUTION that there must be at least one new Christmas movie every year starring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sinbad, and it turns out I was actually wrong about that, but, in the process of Googling "christmas movies 2013," I did immediately discover that, in fact, there is a film to be released this Christmas called Black Nativity, based on the Langston Hughes play of the same name, which is a modern retelling of the Christian nativity story with a black cast.

So, I guess Santorum means that The Christmas Candle is the only Christmas movie slated for release this fall with all white people in it.

Which also explains why he overlooked Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas, even though it features Larry the Cable Guy, who is almost certainly the favorite white comedian of everyone who would ever vote for or see a picture made by Rick Santorum.

Well, I suppose Rick Santorum quite rightly assumed none of the recipients of his email blast would bother fact-checking it. Not when there's so much OUTRAGE to be generated about the WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

Blah blah here's the trailer:


According to the YouTube description of this trailer, it is 1890 in "the enchanting village of Gladbury" which is "deep in the heart of the English countryside." Sure. Here is the rest of the description:

Legend has it every 25 years an angel visits the village candlemaker and touches a single candle. Whoever lights this candle receives a miracle on Christmas Eve. But in 1890, at the dawn of the electric age, this centuries old legend may come to an end.

When David Richmond (Hans Matheson), a progressive young minister, arrives in Gladbury, the villagers discover a new formula for miracles: good deeds and acts of kindness. While David's quest to modernize Gladbury sets him at odds with the old world candlemaker, he finds an unlikely ally in the lovely skeptic, Emily Barstow (Samantha Barks). Now, the fiery candlemaker must fight to preserve the legacy of the Christmas Candle. But when the candle goes missing, the miraculous and human collide in the most astonishing Christmas the village of Gladbury has ever seen.

And now you know what we're dealing with as I launch into my transcript.

Lady Skepticpants is stuck in the mud in her horse-drawn carriage. Reverend Jesusmagic comes riding by in his carriage and stops to offer his assistance. He carries her on his back. She calls the new minister "high and mighty." He says, "Revered High and Mighty, at your service." OH DAMN. Flirty grins. This banter is so witty I can't believe Jane Austen didn't write this. Does anyone know if "Max Lucado" was one of her pen names?

"Welcome to Gladbury, home of the Christmas Candle!" Reverend Jesusmagic needs to have the Christmas Candle explained to him, but it isn't actually explained in the trailer. At all. Lady Skepticpants is skeptical. There is music. Some lady is praying for a husband by Easter. "All their hopes, wrapped up in one candle," says Reverend Jesusmagic, to whom it isn't clear, because even this trailer is nonsensical garbage.

Revered Jesusmagic decides to give everyone light for Christmas and has the church wired with electricity. When he turns it on, the lights all blow out. WHUT. This is completely stupid. I guess the reverend leaves? Then comes back? With doubts? Some lady tells him his doubts are inspiring. He has some conversation with Lady Skepticpants. Someone (her?) tells him to stay, "just until Christmas." Something something hope. Something something faith. Some lady knows "just who to give the Christmas candle to this year." WHUT. Music!

Also: Susan Boyle is in this movie. And it looks like it's going to be a happy Christmas after all! Yay. Down with science! The end.