Whoops Your Movie

As you may recall—or may not, since I wrote about it fully one hundred years ago—Darren Aronofsky has been making a big-screen version of the Biblical story of Noah and the Ark, starring Russell Crowe. (I know it sounds like I made that up, but I did not make that up.) There have been so many years of movie-making and the epic metaphor is almost complete, but now Aronofsky is fighting with the studio over the final edit, because of course he is. ("Too much water!"—Mr. Dreamworks T. Paramount. "Not enough water!"—Darren Aronofsky.) And previews have, ahh, not gone well, lol.

In recent weeks, the studio has held test screenings for key groups that might take a strong interest in the subject matter: in New York (for a largely Jewish audience), in Arizona (Christians) and in Orange County, Calif. (general public). All are said to have generated troubling reactions.

Ha ha! Oh boy. I can't even believe that anyone could not LOVE this film, because it sounds terrific:

The use of visual effects has been so extensive that in some scenes, only an actor's face is in the final image. The film relies on effects to create the flood, of course, but in addition, Noah doesn't feature any real animals. Aronofsky said the creatures in the film are "slightly tweaked" versions of those that exist in nature, and there also are fantastical beings in the mix.

I mean, really: Who is getting angry about a film that basically sounds like it's Russell Crowe with a major beard surveying flood damage from the back of a golden pegasus? If I'm angry about anything, it's that somehow Nicolas Cage is not also in this film. Boo.