Film Corner!

[Content Note: Christian Supremacy; homophobia.]

It seems like every time I turn around, our good friend Kirk Cameron is promoting a terrific new movie! There was 2012's Monumental, which was obviously amazing I'm sure even though I didn't see it, and 2013's Unstoppable, which was also obviously spectacular I'm sure even though I didn't see that one, either. I mean, listen, I'm a busy lady with an important schedule of watching Nicolas Cage films. I can't see every damn masterpiece that's released for one day in the cinemaplexes.

Anyway! I hope you are all looking forward to not seeing 2014's Mercy Rule as much as I am!


Like all good trailers, this one opens with a personal message from the filmmaker...

Kirk Cameron, former child star and current Christian Supremacist annoyfuck, appears onscreen at a community baseball field, wearing a Ford Gear Head t-shirt: "I asked over a million of you how you wanted to see my new movie, Mercy Rule—and you told me. So I am not gonna make you wait. You said you wanna see it now; I'm bringing it to ya right now! This is a movie about a family who learns the important lessons of mercy, patience, sacrifice, courage, and trusting god. And you know what makes this movie even more special for me? My wife Chelsea and I are playing [clasps hands] husband and wife in it together. I love that! And guess who else is in it? Bas Rutten, from Here Comes the Boom—you know, TWISTY! [makes a twisting motion with his hand] He plays the coach! And comedian Tim Hawkins—you know, the Chick-Fil-A song guy? This is his very first feature film, and he plays my brother! How great is that? I can't wait for you to see this, so join me on Valentine's Day—watch this movie with your kids, and fall in love with being a family again. All right, here it is—enjoy the world premiere trailer of Mercy Rule."

Holy moly. We haven't even gotten to the actual trailer yet?! I've already had to sit through this fucking guy trying to convince me that Bas Rutten, a secondary character from a Kevin James MMA movie, and Tim Hawkins, some dipshit who writes "comedic" songs about a corporation's institutional bigotry, are celebrities, and we haven't even gotten to the actual trailer yet?!

I MEAN IF BAS RUTTEN AND COMEDIAN TIM HAWKINS HAVEN'T ALREADY SOLD IT, WHAT WILL?!

Logo Onscreen: CAMFAM. Ha ha get it? Cameron + Family = CAMFAM. Did comedian Tim Hawkins come up with that?

Cut to the interior of a home, where Kirk Cameron ("Dad") is standing in the kitchen casually giving a cool lecture to his wife ("Mom"), daughter ("Daughter"), and son ("Son"). The acoustics of this scene indicate the budget on this shit was astronomical. "You know why Pops loved baseball?" he asks, and Mom, Daughter, and Son gaze at him quietly with expectant grins in anticipation of his reply.


"Tell us, Dad!"
He gives them a smug look. Guitar riff. Footage of a little leaguer hitting a baseball. Cut back to Dad. "Everyone's on a team," he explains. Guitar riff. Footage of little leaguers cheering at the dugout fence. Cut back to Dad. "But everyone faces the pitcher alone." Guitar riff. Footage of little league pitchers. Cut back to Dad, giving another smug look. "Every player in that line-up walks to the plate like a champion of an army." (HA HA WHUT.) Guitar riff. Footage of Dad in a suit and tie (sure) leading a little league team onto the pitch. Cut back to dad. "With the whole team heaped up on his shoulders, betting on his bat." (FUCKING HELL WHERE IS THIS GARBAGE METAPHOR GOING? GET TO THE POINT ALREADY.) Guitar music. Footage of kids (boy kids) playing baseball.

MONTAGERY! Dad at a desk, talking to someone. Coach Bas Rutten in a kitchen talking to kids. Some dude (maybe comedian Tim Hawkins?!) in a hat squatting on a couch. The same dude in another scene smiling at who knows what. Son on a bike. Dad, Mom, and Daughter cheering on Son from the stands. Baseball scenes. Coach Bas Rutten laughing. Lady smiling. Mom on phone. Dad popping a treat in his mouth. Family talking. Baseball scenes. Daughter smiling. Son eating a snack. Mom and Dad clinking coffee mugs.

The montage is not over. I want to interrupt my transcript at this point to note that I am not describing these scenes in any less detail than they actually have. It is the most random, lackluster, uninformative montage of images I have ever seen in a movie trailer, equivalent in their banality and their brevity.

Finally, the montagery ends in a tremendously trite and poorly-shot slo-mo scene of Son practicing his pitching against a wooden fence while Daughter watches. Good grief.

Cut back to Dad in the kitchen, who, I think, is finally going to get to his point. "And then you do your best," he says. "You take your swings." Guitar riff. (OH HELL.) Footage of Dad swinging a mallet at his desk at work. "But the rest is outta your control." Baseball is like life. Where Dads coach and Sons play and Moms and Daughters sit on the sidelines and cheer. Or something.

Guitar music. MORE MONTAGERY! Coach Bas Rutten yelling. White people cheering in the stands. Dad holding a microphone, looking like he's probably giving a real stormer of a pep talk. Some guy doing something I literally can't even tell what. Baseball scenes. Dad jumps in slo-mo at the fence in front of the bleachers. Mom blows a kiss while wearing an oven mitt. (LOL OMG LOL.) Dad smiles.

And that is the end of the trailer, for what is apparently a very stupid film about how baseball is like life, if you're a straight white Christian who believes in TRADITIONAL FAMILIES with TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES and has TRADITIONAL VALUES. Which I only know because I already know that's what the film is about, because I certainly didn't get any of that shit from the trailer.

BUT IT'S NOT THE END! Because, as we all know, all good trailers also close with a personal message from the filmmaker...

Cameron, onscreen at the baseball field again: "I am so excited—because Fireproof restored marriages, and I know Mercy Rule will strengthen families. You told me how you wanted the movie, and I'm bringing it to you this way. You said DVD and download. So here's how you can get it right now. You can order the DVD, and I will ship it to your house to arrive by Valentine's Day, so that you can watch it—Friday night movie night!—with your kids. And! It comes with a family study guide. So you can talk with your kids about all the important things in the movie."

Like baseball. And guitars. And Bas Rutten.

Cameron continues: "Number Two: You can walk into a family Christian store anywhere in the country. They heard how you wanted this film, and they loaded up their store. And if you can't wait 'til Valentine's Day, the third option is: Get it right now! You can download and stream it instantly today. And tell your friends. If you do that, you and I together will change the way we bring movies from my family to yours, straight into your home. Thank you, and god bless you."

This guy's a regular Louis CK over here.

But just in case you're still not sold (BUT HOW COULD YOU NOT BE? DID YOU HEAR BAS RUTTEN IS IN IT?), Kirk Cameron did a little cool promoting on his Facebook page:


Well, now that you're standing in front of a flag. SEND ME ONE MILLION COPIES ON BETMAX, SIR.

[H/T to Pajiba for Cameron's FB page promotion.]