Film Corner: Mad Max

[Content Note: Violence.]

Below, the trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, starring a bright young upstart named Tom Hardy as the titular character, and Charlize Theron as Furiosa:


I'm sorry. I will not be able to provide a transcript because I am dead of swoon.

Just kidding! Here's the transcript:

A man stands in a desert, silhouetted against endless sand, beside a rusty car. Dry blowing wind. Voices making 911 emergency calls and reporting news about water and gas shortages, resulting in violence as people fight for resources. A lizard runs across a rock behind the man. In voiceover, he says, "My name is Max. My world is fire and blood." Wow, he sounds fun!

He gets in the rustbucket and drives away, only to be followed by a bunch of hooligans in a topless jeep and a rusted-out VW bug, accompanied by dudes on motorcycles. Watch out, Max!

Sand fireworks? I don't know.

They catch up to Max and his car flips over. Oh no! He tries to crawl away, but they get him. He's their prisoner now, and they're mean to him. They make him walk and shave off his long hair and tattoo his back. Because their world is fire and blood and being super terrible.

Sand. Dystopian cars like you'd definitely expect to see in a Mad Max movie. Bald Charlize Theron looking like a badass. Sand. Crashing cars. Bad people. Sand. Cars. Motorcycles. Rocks. Crashing cars. Weird lady-children? In white robes. On the sand.

So many dystopian vehicles and sand! Furiosa is definitely going to save Max. So he can save everyone, I bet! Good thing she's supposed to get her own movie after this one. You know what they say—ladies first, except in film franchises!

Jumping! Sand! Explosions! Lightning! Sand! Cars! Weapons! Sand! Spikes! Fighting! Driving! I am not giving this transcript short shrift. It is big-time montagery of all the things you would for sure find in a DIY Mad Max Kit.

Charlize Theron's face! Tom Hardy's face! Those are some terrific faces, right there!

Fighting! Sand! Cars! Explosions! Chasing! Being chased! SAND! CARS! "What's your name?" Furiosa asks Mad Max. He looks at her. The logo for MAD MAX comes onscreen. Coming in 2015.

I predict that this movie will get dreadful reviews, and that I will love it very much. The end.