Well, it's been two minutes, so it's time for another terrific new Kirk Cameron film! His newest cinematic masterpiece is called Saving Christmas (because of course it is), which is "a scripted story about a guy named Christian White who represents the typical white Christian male and he's got a bad case of religious bah humbugs."
Christian White! The lead character is named Christian White! LOLOLOL.
Anyway. This movie is about the real meaning of Christmas—which is, naturally, getting super pissed at straw-atheists.
And while he has no idea exactly how atheists will respond to the feature film, which is slated to open November 14 in theaters across America, he predicts they likely won't be too elated with its storyline.FINALLY. The brave HERO, who has the jingle bells to speak out about the totally real and definitely not imaginary War on Christmas, that we have been waiting for has arrived! MYRRH FOR EVERYONE!
"I assume they're going to get frustrated to see some of their best arguments deflated by this movie, because we take on some of the most commonly parroted myths about the origins of Christmas," Cameron exclusively told TheBlaze Tuesday.
...Cameron continued, "It's obvious that there is a deliberate attempt to snuff out the holy root that has produced all this wonderful Christmas-time fruit. I think it's about time someone spoke out and made a movie about this."
To the trailer!
Kirk Cameron, in voiceover over his CAMFAM production logo: "Do you ever feel like Christmas has been hijacked?"
Cut to the scene of a Christmas party. In the kitchen, Kirk Cameron is talking to a blond white lady. The sound production on this scene is spectacular. Did they get a hold of an iPhone 6 for this thing?!
Kirk Cameron asks: "Hey, uh, where's Christian? How's he doing? Is he okay?"
Blond White Lady says: "Oh, he's fine, really. He's just—he's just not into Christmas this year, that's all." She walks out of the frame, leaving Kirk Cameron to linger behind, making one of his patented Confused Faces, which lets his audiences know that something ain't right.
"This calls for my finest Sherlock Jesus investigative skills!"
Cut to Christian White, a white bearded man in glasses and a winter sweater, picking his teeth, thus conveying his disinterest in Christmas. In voiceover, Kirk Cameron says (apparently continuing from his question about Christmas being hijacked): "By all the commercialism, and those who wanna replace Merry Christmas with Happy Holidays—or Season's Greetings, whatever that means!"
Oh boy. The terrorism of Happy Holidays. When we can roast that old chestnut on an open fire?
Cut to Kirk Cameron sitting in a car in the dark with Christian White. The acting in this scene is so bad that it's like Kirk Cameron and someone even less good at acting than Kirk Cameron were acting in it. "You okay?" Kirk Cameron asks. "This is not what Christmas is all about," says Christian White.
Over images of Christmas gifts and decorations, Kirk Cameron says in voiceover: "Some want to pull down every manger scene and tell us why our favorite Christmas traditions are wrong."
Cut back to the car. "Newsflash!" exclaims Christian White, gesticulating at something we can't even see. "Not in the Bible! That's a pagan idol symbol! With the Winter Solstice! Jesus was not born in December! That's exactly what the Druids did. It's like a carjacking, but, like, of our religion! And guess what? Santa got in the car, kicked Jesus out, and was like: Rollin', rollin', rollin'!"—here, he mimes what is clearly meant to be a gang member driving a low-rider—"and took it."
Throughout this incoherent, racist, and poorly edited rant, Kirk Cameron makes so many confused faces.
Cut to a creepy grinning Santa Claus in close-up, and Kirk Cameron says in voiceover: "Isn't it time that somebody spoke up?" YES. YES IT IS TIME THAT SOMEBODY SPOKE UP—and explained to me what the fuck is even going on in this movie. Are we supposed to be more mad at people who don't care about Christmas at all, or people who care about it in the wrong way? Why does 3/4 of it appear to take place in a car in the dark? And why is Christian White such a goddamned racist shitlord?!
Cut back to the car. (Great.) Kirk Cameron says, again gesturing to something we can't see: "Everything you see inside there? It's all about Christmas. It's all about...Jesus." Cue the inspiring music and cut to—I shit you not—an actual light bulb turning on. Goddammit.
Montagery. A white child looking up at something. A scene from the manger? Joseph lurking in some bushes. Mary resting her head near the baby lord.
Cut back to the car. WHAT?! GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAR! Kirk Cameron says, "I know you love Christmas, and you want it to be all about what it's all about." It feels like that's going to go somewhere, but nope! Montagery! A white child looking up at a backlit cross. Christian White running into the Christmas Party like a giddy child, while Kirk Cameron stands behind him holding up his hand like he's a wizard who just cast a dipshit spell on him.
Sassy Christmas music over images of happy Christmas party-goers. In voiceover, Kirk Cameron says: "This Christmas, dive headfirst into all of the joy, the dancing"—literally just scenes of people dancing; yanno, like CHRISTMAS—"the celebration, the feasting, the imagination, and traditions that glorify the true reason for the season."
Christian White, overwhelmed by the true Christmas spirit, slides across the floor on his belly into the room and crashes into some shit. A black man exclaims, "Woo! Work, Holy Spirit! Ha! Can I get a amen? The scales are falling off! Glory! Ah! Glory! Mm!" The crowd of people behind him cheer.
Cut, for one last time, to the car. Kirk Cameron is smiling. In voiceover, he says, "Join me, and my family, and together let's put Christ back into Christmas." Text onscreen: "Saving Christmas. In theaters November 14. Limited engagement."
Amazing. I can't wait to not see this movie!
[H/T to Deeks.]
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