The Can't Fucking Win List

[Content Note: Misogyny; abuse.]

I'm a little late to this one, but here is the latest video of Jay Smooth being awesome, in case anyone hasn't yet seen it, because EVERYONE SHOULD SEE IT.

The List of Rules for Women

Hey, so I have a quick question—there's a lot of stuff in the news about women, how women are treated, right now, and I wanna contribute and be a part of the conversation, but I'm having trouble keeping track: Does anyone have a complete, up-to-date list of everything that women are supposed to do and not do so that they qualify for having their humanity respected?

Like, okay, I know that if women wanna feel safe in public, they're supposed to not [air quotes] "dress a certain way," and then if they don't dress a certain way, and they still get harassed and assaulted all the time, there are other things that they're doing or not doing to earn a right to safety, but what are those other things? I'm having trouble keeping track.

I know that women are not supposed to [air quotes] "sleep around" all the time, because then you're a slut and you're the reason men hate you, but you're also not supposed to turn down men's advances all the time, or put them in the [air quotes] "friend zone," because then you're a cold-hearted bitch and you're the reason men hate you. So, but then, how, what are you supposed to— I don't follow; I don't understand how that works.

And then with a right to privacy, is the rule that, if you want a right to privacy, you just don't have a private life? Or is it if you don't want things stolen, don't have anything private that people might want to steal? Is it just don't use any of the technology that everyone uses to communicate nowadays? Which—I'm not clear on that.

There's just so many things to keep in your head at one time! I wanna do my part, as a man, and keep reminding women of the rules, but it's just so many rules, and we keep changing them and adding more—it's hard to keep it all in your head!

I kinda feel like it would be easier if we had a list of rules for men to follow, and we just passed that around amongst ourselves—and it kinda feels like it would be less of a hassle. Like, it could be a short list. It could just have one thing on it! It could say: "Hello, asshole, women are human beings."

And we could take that and pass it around to each other every day. And even if we did need more follow-up on the specifics, that would be so much less paperwork. It seems like a much more streamlined workflow.

But I'm sure there's a reason we're not doing that. So if someone could send me the most current, up-to-date list of all the freedoms and aspects of life women are expected to voluntarily opt out of so they have a right to feel safe, and everything else that women are supposed to do, and not do, so that they qualify for being recognized as a human being—if someone could just send me the current list, and a way to subscribe to automatic updates, since we keep changing it, um, I'll be glad to pass that along.

Here is my best start on the current, up-to-date Can't Fucking Win List:

Be pretty. But not too pretty. But definitely don't be ugly.

Don't be fat. But don't be too thin, either. Also don't be too muscled. Or too tall. Or too short.

Don't have a visible disability. But if you do, be inspiring to able-bodied people. But also don't call attention to your disability. Don't use it as an excuse to fail to achieve anything, but also don't expect special accommodations.

Don't have an invisible disability. Especially not mental illness. But if you do, disclose it or be prepared to be accused of concealing it. Don't get mad when we use it against you after you disclose it. Not disclosing it makes you a liar. Disclosing it makes you a self-pitying martyr. Insufficient evidence of your disability means you're lying. Evidence of your disability means you're attention-seeking.

Have confidence. But don't be an arrogant bitch. Have ambition. But not too much ambition that it makes you unlikable. Communicate what you think you deserve. Stop acting like you think you deserve something.

Age naturally. Cosmetic surgery is for narcissistic bitches. OMG look at how old she looks; why doesn't she do something with herself?

If you have cosmetic procedures to look youthful and talk about it openly, you are such an asshole. If you are suspected of having had cosmetic procedures to look youthful and don't cop to it, you are such an asshole.

Women who want nothing more than to get married and have babies are pathetic for these reasons. Women who don't want to get married and have babies are pathetic for those reasons.

Women should have children. But not too many children, unless they want to be compared to farm animals.

Women who are working mothers are terrible because X. Women who are stay-at-home parents are terrible because Y.

Female politicians must be soft and nurturing and nonthreatening, but simultaneously tough and hard and aggressive.

Trans* women who hew closely to traditional feminine beauty standards are upholding the patriarchy. Trans* women who don't hew closely to traditional feminine beauty standards aren't women.

Women should be sexy. But not too sexy. Women should be demure. But not too demure.

Women should conform to very rigid beauty standards. Women should be individuals.

A woman who defends herself against rumor and gossip is defensive, thus proving it must be true. A woman who doesn't defend herself against rumor and gossip concedes via her silence that it must be true.

Women should be independent. Women should not make men feel like they don't need them.

Straight women should not be interested in how much a man makes. Straight women should not expect men to make themselves appealing, considerate, well-rounded, supportive, interesting, egalitarian partners if they have a lot of money.

Women should put out. But not too often. And not too soon.

Women should not behave "like women" in the workplace. Women should not behave "like men" in the workplace.

If a woman charges or asks for money in exchange for her work, a service, and/or content, she is a money-grubbing monster. If a woman provides her work, a service, and/or content for free, then it doesn't belong to her.

Women should like things coded feminine to prove their womanhood. Women should not like things coded feminine to prove their humanity.

Women should like pink things. Women should hate pink things.

Women should not be attracted to other women. Women should be attracted to other women if it's for the titillation of men.

All women are bisexual. Bisexual women don't exist.

Women belong in the kitchen. At home. Women don't belong in the kitchen. At fine dining restaurants.

Women should never speak about how they are distrustful of male strangers, because that is profiling and man-hating and NOT ALL MEN. Women should do everything they can to protect themselves from men.

Women should decorate the world. Women who go into the world, if they want to avoid being harassed and/or assaulted and/or raped, must be careful what they wear, how they wear it, how they carry themselves, where they walk, when they walk there, with whom they walk, whom they trust, what they do, where they do it, with whom they do it, what they drink, how much they drink, whether they make eye contact, if they're alone, if they're with a stranger, if they're in a group, if they're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if they're carrying something, how they carry it, what kind of shoes they're wearing in case they have to run, what kind of purse they carry, what jewelry they wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people they sleep with, what kind of people they sleep with, who their friends are, to whom they give their number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where they can see who's at the door before they're seen, to check before they open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch their back always be aware of their surroundings and never let their guard down for a moment lest they be harmed and if they are and didn't follow all the rules it's their fault.

It's always our fault. That's the entire purpose of the Can't Fucking Win List. To make sure that we are always to blame for the harm done to us. Always.

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The above is, of course, hardly a comprehensive list. Please feel welcome and very encouraged to leave your own additions to the Can't Fucking Win List in comments.