"Do you guys wanna sing '99 Bottles of Beer' while we're walking? Guys?"
This episode opens with lots of people not talking about things and a montage of slow-motion walking. So, basically: We're back to the typical Walking Dead season!
My favorite of all the awkward conversations is the one between Grimes and Carol. "I sent you away to this," he says, referring to his imposed exile of her from the prison, which would have been a death sentence for anyone but Carol, who is the Queen of Wrecking Your Shit. "And now we're joining you," he says. "Will you have us?"
Carol nods, silent and stoic. But what Carol should have said is: "Yes, asshole, I will have you under one condition: That you are no longer the TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE LEADER of this ragtag group of dipshits, and that, since you're acknowledging that I'm the kickassiest of all kickass survivors in this moment, you let me have a chance to be President of Decision-Making and sit your sweaty ass down for two fucking minutes JESUS CHRIST."
Because, of course, despite acknowledging that Carol is a hardcore survivalist machine, Grimes continues to maintain his role as TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE LEADER, and, when Sgt. Red Bull makes noise about going to Washington, everyone's immediate, reflexive response is to tell him ONLY IF GRIMES SAYS SO.
Great plan, everyone. Keep doing what Professor March Us to Cannibaltown says, and don't even bother consulting with Queen Carol of Wrecking Your Shit, who is the only person who knows what the fuck is what, with the possible exception of Daryl.
In other news, Sasha and Bob are soooooooo cute—kiss kiss kiss nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle—and Sasha loves Bob soooooooo much because he is so good at
Marching through the woods, because that's what happens on this show, Grimes Gang hears someone yelling for help. Grimes is hesitant, but Carl the Hat insists they go help whomever is shouting, and Grimes is all, "Well, it sounds like a dude, so I GUESS."
Run run run. Kill kill kill. It turns out the dude they were saving is a black minister who is named Gabriel BECAUSE OF COURSE HE IS. They are Deeply Suspicious of Gabriel, who claims he has killed no people and no zombies, which almost surely means that he has ensured his survival by delivering humans to other horrendo nightmare humans. JUST A GUESS. Made by anyone who has watched this show for three seconds.
They all take refuge at Gabriel's church, where he's run out of food. It is decided that Grimes, Michonne, Sasha, and Bob will go on a supply run to the local food pantry, which has been overrun by zombies. (WHUT. The local gun store is completely stripped, but there's still food in the food pantry? OKAY, THIS SHOW.) Grimes tells Gabriel he's coming with them. He shakes in his collar.
Meanwhile, Carol and Daryl go looking for a car. (?)
At the food pantry: Zombies zombies zombies. Fight fight fight. Gabriel shits his pants one million times. Sasha has to save Bob from a zombie. PHEW THAT WAS CLOSE! Gee, I hope nothing happens to Bob later in the episode!
Back at the church, Carl the Hat shows Grimes scratches on the outside where someone tried to get in, and words etched into the side of the building which read: "You'll burn for this." Huh. That might be creepy if I hadn't immediately guessed Gabriel's survival strategy with the precision of Michonne's katana.
(RIP Michonne's katana.) (Ha ha just kidding she'll definitely get it back.) (Wait, but how?! They stole it at Terminus and those guys are dead!) (Or ARE they?) (Gee, I hope nothing happens to Bob later in the episode!)
The Grimes Gang + Shady Gabe have a big feast that night, with the cans pulled from the zombie stew in the food pantry's basement. (Yum!) Sgt. Red Bull makes a toast, then immediately segues like the worst party guest into a harangue about how they have to get to DC.
Doctor Mulletsworth backs him up by offering that DC has an infrastructure that can withstand major pandemics, and they can live like ROYALS—Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece, jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash—once they get there.
No one asks the obvious question: "Uh, what if people are already inhabiting those spaces and we go all the way there for no goddamned reason?" Instead, everyone is silent, until Baby Zombie Whistle Grimes adorably gurgles, and Grimes announces, "If she's in, I'm in!"
Yay! Everyone's in! And although Grimes will not let Carol make decisions, he will definitely let his infant make decisions. Which is a still a step up from him, so. Progress!
Meanwhile, Carol and Daryl are still wandering around and fucking with some dead-ass car they're reviving, when they're passed by a car that Daryl identifies as the one in which Beth was abducted. (Oh yeah. Her.) He busts out the lights, so they won't be seen, and they jump in the car to follow the creepmobile.
Back at the church, Bob is standing guard outside and crying, when someone sneaks up and knocks him unconscious. (Go buddy system.) He later wakes up surrounded by the Terminus Heads, who somehow survived the zombie onslaught at their cool camp, and are literally eating his leg, which has been removed and is roasting on the fire.
Good grief this show.
Next week: More walking!
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