The Walking Thread

[Content Note: Descriptions of violence. Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein.]


Michonne wonders why she is even in this garbage show.
When last we left Grimes Gang way back in December, Beth had been killed by Officer Meanlady at Indentured Servitude Asylum, Officer Meanlady had been killed by Daryl, and the Getting Places at the Perfect Time truck had collected all the Grimes Gangians at Indentured Servitude Asylum to make a run for it. Also: Morgan.

You might think that, since we ended the mid-season finale with a scene of a character we haven't seen in fully one million episodes, we'd open with that character, too. But nope! This is The Walking Dead, not a show that is written well and makes sense. So it was just a random reminder that he'll be showing up again soon, or something.

Instead, we open with the digging of dirt—which heralds a grave, so watch out everyone who is not Grimes or Daryl!—and a dreamlike montage that is SO TERRIBLE I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE I AM WATCHING THIS. Who directed this episode—an overenthusiastic David Lynch understudy?

Because Rick Grimes continues to be a good decision-making machine, he is leading the group to Richmond, Virginia, because that's where Noah is from and Beth wanted to help get him back there, and so, having never listened to Beth or any other woman ever in life, Grimes decides to follow her plan in death.

The group splits into two cars, and they start the drive toward Richmond, with, as usual, no worries about securing gasoline. Or clean water. In the lead car is Grimes, Noah, Tyreese, Michonne, and Glenn. They communicate with the other car via walkie-talkie, and decide they'll go ahead and check it out while the other car hangs back.

Tyreese has lots of lines. An unusual amount of lines. Looks like that grave's got his name on it! Once again, The Walking Dead is its own worst spoiler engine, because, thanks to the racism inherent to the show which centers white characters and their white dialogue, we always know when the next black character is going to die, because suddenly they are given things to say.

Noah is very excited to be getting home to see his mom and little twin brothers, who were still alive last time he was there. But whooooooops upon their arrival, they discover the gated community is overrun by zombies and many of the houses are burned. Noah is devastated.

While Grimes, Michonne, and Glenn go a-scavenging, Tyreese stays with Noah to give him a terrific pep talk about how he's got to get on with life. Because giving him five minutes to mourn is just indulgent! GET OVER IT, KID!

Noah takes off running toward his house, and Tyreese chases after him. Inside, Noah discovers his mom's gruesome corpse, and stops to say Meaningful Things to it while Tyreese investigates the rest of the house. He finds one little brother dead in his bed, and is staring at a million pictures of the twins on the wall—TWO OF THEM! WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!—when the other zombified twin shuffles in and bites the fuck out of his arm. Welp.

Noah runs to get Grimes, Michonne, and Glenn, who are having Important Conversations about Ethics in the Zombiepocalypse or whatever. Meanwhile, Tyreese starts hallucinating that Beth, Lizzie, Mika, Bob, Martin, and Captain Murder are in the little boy's bedroom with him, giving him tons of great advice.

Captain Murder lunges at him, only to morph into a real zombie, who bites Tyreese again. Oh geez.

Elsewhere, Michonne tells Grimes that maybe they should go to DC after all. Even though Doctor Mulletsworth turned out to be a HUGE LIAR, he might have been onto something about how DC could have people there with whom they could find safety. Grimes agrees. It's a miracle!

Noah arrives to tell them Tyreese has been bitten. They follow him back to the scene.

Meanwhile, Tyreese continues his hallucinating. Beth plays guitar and sings, because of course she does. He argues with Captain Murder about his decision to forgive Carol. Lizzie and Mika tell him it's better to be dead. ???!!!

Grimes arrives and grabs Tyreese's arm and Michonne cuts it off. But come on—this guy's been bitten like a dozen times, and there is no way he is even still alive now, no less after he bleeds out from an arm amputation! Still, they drag him to the car, and Grimes barks at Carol over the walkie-talkie to get ready to cauterize the wound and to get Sasha and Carl the Hat outta there, because they don't need to see this. "MAKE SURE THE BABY IS THERE, THOUGH!" he shouts.

Trying to get their vehicle out of the soft earth of the forest, the wheels spin in the mud. Joe Pesci gets out to investigate and pratfalls face-first into the mud, ruining his only good suit. Fred Gwynne is gonna be so pissed! Meanwhile, Marisa Tomei's biological clock is ticking like this: STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! It's a real mess!

Finally the tires grab traction, and the vehicle lurches forward, running into a dead car, out of which tumble a bunch of chomping zombie heads. This show is just getting more disgusting by the episode. Good grief.

They finally get the heck outta there, and Tyreese hallucinates some more, and then dies at long last, relieving us all of having to watch one more impossibly stupid scene of these goddamned absurd '70s golden sunshine lens flare hallucinations, which are so bad I cannot even begin to explain how bad they are. They pull over and drag Tyreese out of the car and onto the road. Michonne pulls out her katana.

But then we cut to Tyreese being buried with what looks like his head still intact? I dunno. Who cares. They bury him, and everyone is sad. Except Grimes, who is angry, obviously. He shovels dirt and he is SO MAD.

Next week: More of this crap.