Listen to Survivors

by Shaker Cafeaulait0913

[Content Note: Domestic violence; culture of abuse.]

During the Superbowl, the anti-domestic violence group No More partnered with the NFL to do a public service announcement on domestic violence:

Video Transcript: The camera shows a house, just after a fight. Things broken and out of place. The phone rings, and a masculine sounding voice answers: "911 operator, 911, where's the emergency?"

Woman: 127 Brinmere.

Operator: Okay, what's going on there?

Woman: I'd like to order a pizza for delivery.

Operator: Ma'am, you've reached 911. This is an emergency line.

Woman: Yeah, a large with half pepperoni, half mushroom.

Operator: Um, you know you've called 911. This is an emergency line.

Woman: Do you know how long it'll be?

Operator: Okay, ma'am. Is everything okay over there? Do you have an emergency or not?

Woman: Yes.

Operator: And you're unable to talk because...

Woman: Right, right.

Operator: Is there someone in the room with you? Just say yes or no.

Woman: Yes.

Operator: Okay, um, looks like I have an officer about a mile from your location. Are there any weapons in your house?

Woman: No.

Operator: Can you stay on the phone with me?

Woman: No. See you soon. Thank you.

The ad goes to black and the following text appears: "When it's hard to talk , it's up to us to listen. Help end domestic violence and sexual assault. Pledge to say nomore.org.

The ad says to listen to what abuse victims are saying. To listen to our cries for help and to intervene. The NFL's message feels especially hollow, considering that they allegedly knew about abuse being committed by a number of their players and did nothing.

As the ad ends, we, as viewers, feel its emotional impact and promise to listen, to continue this conversation. We pat ourselves on the back for helping out with this important issue. When we do this, we ignore the fact that we've been having this conversation for years with little impact. We've had this conversation since Ike and Tina Turner, since Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, since Chris Brown and Rihanna. The Battered (White) Wife has been a running staple on Lifetime Movie Chanel for years now. But little has changed. Abusers still abuse and leave a trail of victims in their wake. We, as a society, still blame victims, call them complicit in their own abuse.

The Superbowl ad focuses on the most dramatic and observable type of abuse, not the insidious verbal and emotional abuse that erodes a victim to his or her very core. In this way, the ad is dangerous, portraying abuse exclusively as a Lifetime movie kind of thing. This kind of portrayal makes many abuse victims discredit their own abuse, just as I did.

This ad offers nothing, and, to borrow a phrase from Liss, I expect more. I expected a promise to help, funding for shelters, information that people can use to help loved ones. This ad is nothing but a PR move to try to fix the fallout from the Ray Rice video.

"Listen to the victims," the ad says. But so many of us victims muffle our cries, so that they're more like whimpers. After all, we don't want to bother the neighbors with our silly fights. We're strong and tough, we can get through this. I can't call the police—this isn't abuse, and I really do love my partner.

On a personal level, this ad is hard to deal with for me as a survivor. The ad says to listen, and I've been talking for years, only to be silenced or told that I'm obsessing over the past. I know there are people out there still in abusive relationships and I hope that this PSA helps them get out.

But I can't handle the casual way people spoke about the ad. Like it was such a downer, and "can't we get back to the game?" People talked about this ad like it was an annoying commercial, not understanding that this is my life. It's not a casual conversation. It's not something I can idly speculate on and return to my day. Dealing with this guts me. And the worst part is that this ad tells people to talk about abuse, without teaching them how, setting them up to step all over the open wounds of survivors.

[Related Reading: No More; No More, Again.]