Primarily Speaking

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina, whose entire raison d'être for running is apparently to fill the crucial "point out that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has flown on a lot of airplanes" and "absurdly claim Clinton has never accomplished anything" role in the Republican primary, will reportedly launch her presidential campaign on May 4.

I love the new trend of pre-announcement announcements. "Get ready for Carly Fiorina to tell you she's going to run for president!" OKAY! I am doing all the things I need to do to prepare myself! 1. Sit here. 2. Not care. ALL SYSTEMS GOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fiorina is about as qualified to be president as I am. (Possibly even less so, since I'm at least familiar enough with US politics to know that Hillary Clinton has accomplished a few things.) But that never stops Republicans. Why bother learning about government when you just want to destroy it, anyway?

I suspect the GOP leadership is hoping to turn Fiorina into, at minimum, a solid vice-presidential candidate by encouraging her to run the gauntlet of a primary, in the hope of avoiding a repeat of this fucking mess:


Video Description: Scene from Game Change, a movie about Sarah Palin's vice-presidential candidacy. Palin (played by Julianne Moore) sits on the McCain campaign bus with Republican operative Steve Schmidt (played by Woody Harrelson), practicing interview questions. Schmidt: "Umm, let's start with something simple. Uh, how do you plan on maintaining our alliance with Great Britain on Iraq, even though support for the war there is at an all-time low?" Palin: "I think the United States has always maintained a great relationship with the Queen, and John McCain will continue to have an open dialogue with her." Schmidt: "Ahh, Governor, the Queen is not the head of government in England; she's the head of state." Palin: "Well, then who's the head of government?" Schmidt: "The Prime Minister." Laughs uncomfortably; gulps his tea.

Good times!

Meanwhile, here are a few fun reminders about how Citizens United is obliterating the last vestiges of a functional democracy:

1. Marco Rubio Takes Lead in Sheldon Adelson Primary: "Before Iowa and New Hampshire, GOP candidates are competing in the Sheldon Adelson primary, and some will travel to his posh Venetian hotel in Las Vegas this in hopes of winning it. But one candidate—Marco Rubio—has emerged as the clear front-runner, according to nearly a half-dozen sources close to the multibillionaire casino mogul. In recent weeks, Adelson, who spent $100 million on the 2012 campaign and could easily match that figure in 2016, has told friends that he views the Florida senator, whose hawkish defense views and unwavering support for Israel align with his own, as a fresh face who is 'the future of the Republican Party.' He has also said that Rubio's Cuban heritage and youth would give the party a strong opportunity to expand its brand and win the White House. ...In 2012, Adelson's financial support allowed former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to stay in the presidential race long after other donors gave up on him."

2. Secret Koch Memo Outlines Plans for 2016: "The Koch brothers' political machine is expanding into new states and recruiting new donors as it seeks to shape the Republican Party—and its presidential field—headed into 2016, according to interviews with multiple sources, as well as confidential donor briefing documents obtained by Politico. The documents detail plans to beef up the network's state-of-the-art data system, and pay hundreds of staff embedded in local communities across the country in preparation for get-out-the-vote efforts that are unprecedented from a third-party group. The plan comes with a $125 million 2015 budget for Americans for Prosperity, the most robust arm in the network of small-government advocacy groups helmed by the billionaire industrialist brothers Charles and David Koch. That's the most the group has ever spent in a non-election year and the documents call the plan 'beyond the biggest, boldest, broadest effort AFP has ever undertaken.'"

3. Jeb Bush Is Tearing Down What Little Campaign Finance Law We Have Left: "In February, the Campaign Legal Center, a group which works on campaign finance reform issues, released a 'white paper' contending that many of the leading potential presidential candidates were likely breaking federal law by not declaring their candidacy or setting up a 'testing the waters' committee for a presidential election run. Such a declaration, among other things, limits donors to giving only $2,700 to the (would-be) candidate for the presidential primary season. It was an excellent report, but many shrugged off its findings as just one more way in which the campaign finance system has begun to unravel since the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision. But news this week that Republican (pseudo-non)candidate Jeb Bush intends to outsource much of his campaign to an allied super PAC reveals that Bush's decision to delay declaring his candidacy has allowed him to undermine one of the last rules in campaign finance law. Worse, his approach will be the new model of presidential funding in future elections and greatly increases the threat that large donors will have even greater influence over electoral and policy outcomes than they already have."

Welcome to your oligarchy!

In other news:

Republican Senator Marco Rubio is courting gay Republicans. Lucky them!

Republican Senator Rand Paul says fuck you—YOU'RE the REAL sexists!

Republican Senator Ted Cruz has a cool history of making creepy misogynist jokes. [Note: Video autoplays at second link.]

Democratic former governor of Maryland Martin O'Malley finally says something I really like! "It is not true that regulation holds poor people down or regulation keeps middle class from advancing. That's kind of patently bullshit." HAHA YES IT IS! HIGH FIVE, O'MALLEY!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.