Primarily Speaking

Big Clown Car News this week! [CN: Video may autoplay at link] Yesterday, Dr. Ben Carson, who is the worst, said he is definitely running for president, and, as you can see, he is very proficient at standing in front of flags.

Today, corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy by telling us all the things she understands: "Yes, I am running for president. I think I'm the best person for the job because I understand how the economy actually works. I understand the world, who's in it, how the world works. I understand bureaucracies, and that's what our federal government has become—a giant, bloated, unaccountable, corrupt bureaucracy. I understand technology, which is a tool both to re-imagine government to re-engage citizens in the process of government, and I understand executive decision-making, which is making a tough call in a tough time with high stakes for which you're prepared to be accountable."

I understand that Carly Fiorina is not a serious candidate. This is Melissa McEwan, and I approve this message.

And tomorrow, former Arkansas governor and aggressively unpleasant hate-nightmare Mike Huckabee will announce that he is running for president. He already leaked a two-minute launch video, and in what is maybe the garbagiest trash piece ever written by someone pretending to be a serious journalist, Chris Cillizza (this fucking guy) glowingly dissected why the video "works," and here is but one of his examples of its success:

1. Huckabee as Clinton kryptonite. Within the first 12 seconds of the video, there are two images of the Clintons shown on screen. In one, Bill and Hillary are holding hands across a plane aisle. In the other, Bill is watching, unhappily, as Huckabee speaks. "You had all of the apparatus of the Democratic Party aligned against Mike Huckabee.... All of a sudden this Republican comes out of nowhere and wins," recounts Rex Nelson of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. The message is clear: I beat the Clintons once, and I can do it again. It's worth noting here that Huckabee didn't actually ever beat the Clintons; he was lieutenant governor in 1996 when Gov. Jim Guy Tucker, a Clinton confidant, resigned. Huckabee assumed the governor's office. Still, for a party that sees the formidable figure of Hillary Clinton waiting in the general election, Huckabee's message that he knows how to beat these people has the potential to be potent.

"It's worth noting here that Huckabee didn't actually ever beat the Clintons." It's more than worth noting. It should be the entire fucking point of discussion. This is what happens because journalists treat politics like nothing more than a game: The fact that Huckabee is a naked liar is irrelevant except insomuch as whether the lie is effective.

Here is just one terrible, terrible example of what happens when the national media act like a bunch of fucking jokers and are derelict in their duty to do serious reporting about presidential candidates.

Anyway.

So, now officially running for president on the Republican side of aisle: Senators Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, and Ted Cruz; Dr. Ben Carson, Understandologist Carly Fiorina, and Rev. Mike Huckabee.

Still thinking about it (many of whom are basically running without declaring, which is not legal, but the Republicans don't give a shit about your stupid campaign laws!): Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Rick Santorum, Chris Christie, Rick Perry, John Kasish, Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Mike Pence, and Donald Trump. That's more or less in order of their likelihood of mounting a serious campaign.

On the Democratic side of aisle: Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Senator Bernie Sanders are officially in. Former Republican Lincoln Chafee and former Republican Jim Webb are thinking about it. Former Governor of Maryland Martin O'Malley is still thinking about it, too, and says Baltimore would definitely be the setting for the announcement of his presidential bid, should he make one. Which means he's pretty confident no one will bring up the heinous policing policies he supported while mayor of Baltimore. And, unfortunately, that's probably a safe bet, since our media will be more interested in discussing whether he's handsome enough to destroy Hillary, or something.

Finally, here's your presidential politics ha ha chuckle of the day: "The last three men to win the Republican nomination have been the prosperous son of a president (George W. Bush), a senator who could not recall how many homes his family owned (John McCain of Arizona; it was seven) and a private equity executive worth an estimated $200 million (Mitt Romney). The candidates hoping to be the party's nominee in 2016 are trying to create a very different set of associations." And how will they do that? By trying to woo the middle class!

So, everyone in the middle class: Please pay no attention to the fact that every one of these dipshits is being personally financed by a different billionaire. And everyone in poverty: We will continue to not pay attention to you.

Terrific message, GOP. You continue to be amazing.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.