...But What Do the Hateful Dipshits Think?

[CN:anti-marriage equality hate, religious supremacy]

In the light of today's amazing pro-equality Supreme Court ruling, a lot of news outlets have rushed to find out what the various presidential candidates think about this, especially the ever-growing number boarding the GOP Bullet Train to the Future Wagonette to the 19th Century.

Liss and I were discussing whether there was even any point to addressing it here. Essentially, all of the GOP candidate opinions are garbage, and all of the Dem candidates opinions seem to be not-garbage. (If you want to read more roundups, you can read them at the National Journal, Politico, NBC New York and Detroit Free Press, among others.)

However, it is true that the GOP candidates hold several different flavors of dipshittery; the opinions clearly reflect a divide among the candidates. (Some of them overlap, because they're trying to make some kind of Nasty Neapolitan Bigotry Blend.) But if you don't want to actually have to read their hateful words, here is what flavor each one is primarily serving up:

Flavor 1: (Constitutional Bullshit Tracks) I am a hateful dispshit who is going to fight this because argle bargle STATE'S RIGHTS/THE TENTH AMENDMENT/SUPREME COURT OVERREACH. (Jindal, Perry, Walker, Fiorina)

Flavor 2: (Heavenly Hateful Hash)I am a hateful dispshit who is going to fight this because GOD'S LAWS AND NATURE'S LAWS. (Huckabee, Santorum)

Flavor 3: (Chip Chip Chip) I am a hateful dipshit, but not quite as silly as those guys. If elected I will appoint justices/support legislation to pursue a Roe strategy on this,since we probably can't directly overturn this. But give me time...(Rubio)

Flavor 4: (Crappy Camouflage Ripple) I am a hateful dipshit who is trying to sound like a somewhat less hateful dipshit by saying I oppose this. But I *also* sort of don't oppose it, because something something "law of the land" "protect religious freedom."(Carson, Graham, Bush, Christie, Kasich)

Flavor 5: (Punt-n-Pass Pistachio) What do you think? I have yet to express my own opinion. Rest assured I am a hateful disphit! (Paul, Pataki)

Flavor 6: (Spencer's Gifts Supreme) I am Donald Trump, and I blame Jeb Bush and John Roberts! Because I am a hateful dipshit, but in the bizarre, crass, and cheaply made fashion of an unwanted gift from the local mall's novelty shop. Comes with bonus Pop Up Pecker Lighter or the Fart-o-Nater Extreme!

And that's today's Hateful Dipshit Report!

Mmmm. Ice cream.