Jeb!

So, Jeb Bush made it officially official yesterday, and he gave a terrific speech—by which, of course, I mean terrible. You can read the full text of his address here, but, in case you have better things to do with your time, like play Scrabble with a hamster, here are some hot highlights:

The presidency should not be passed on from one liberal to the next.

...So, here's what it comes down to. Our country is on a very bad course. And the question is: What are we going to do about it?

The question for me is: What am I going to do about it? And I have decided. I am a candidate for president of the United States. We will take command of our future once again in this country.

...Federal regulation has gone far past the consent of the governed. It is time to start making rules for the rule-makers.

...We don't need another president who merely holds the top spot among the pampered elites of Washington.

We need a president willing to challenge and disrupt the whole culture in our nation's capital. I will be that president because I was a reforming governor, not just another member of the club.

...Secretary Clinton insists that when the progressive agenda encounters religious beliefs to the contrary those beliefs, quote, "have to be changed." That's what she said, and I guess we should at least thank her for the warning.

The most galling example is the shabby treatment of the Little Sisters of the Poor, a Christian charity that dared to voice objections of conscience to Obamacare. The next president needs to make it clear that great charities like the Little Sisters of the Poor need no federal instruction in doing the right thing.

It comes down to a choice between the Little Sisters and Big Brother, and I'm going with the Sisters.

...I know that there are good people running for president.

Quite a few, in fact.

And not a one of us deserves the job by right of resume, party, seniority, family, or family narrative. It's nobody's turn. It's everybody's test, and it's wide open – exactly as a contest for president should be.

Except for how he opened by suggesting that in no way should a liberal win, not even because of her or his specific politics, but because two liberals in a row shouldn't get the presidency. He's the coolest.

I also love how a man who's been the governor of one of the largest states, whose grandfather was a senator, whose father was president, and whose brother was president, can say with a straight face that he's not among the "pampered elite of Washington" and that he's not a "member of the club." I rather think membership in that club is determined by more than simply location. And if Jeb Bush isn't an "elite," then the word has truly lost all meaning.

Obviously, there is a lot more where all of that garbage came from, and for the busy hamster-Scrabblers among us, here is my Executive Summary: "I am definitely a Republican, and all my ideas are the worst, and also I speak Spanish. Please forget my brother exists, and vote for me!"

Bush also unveiled his campaign logo, which is obviously tremendous:


"Please note that Candidate Bush does not want campaign staffers to look him directly in the eye at any time. He also does not like handshakes, and prefers to be greeted with JAZZHANDS!"

I have to admit, at first I thought this logo was pretty silly, but then I realized it really works for me, since most of my commentary on Jeb Bush is one-word exclamations and expletives, anyway.

Gross! Fuck! Terrible! Shit! Dreadful! Damn! Heinous! ARGH! Contemptible! Barrrrrrrrrrrrrf!

*jazzhands*

Good luck, Jeb Bush! I hope your logo makes everyone forget your last name!