Primarily Speaking

Rick Perry running for president again
kinda leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
Welp, former governor of Texas Rick Perry has joined the ranks of the Bozo Brigade occupying the most crowded clown car of all time! That brings the total number of Republican candidates officially running to double digits. TEN TERRIFIC OPTIONS! What an amazing time to be alive!

And it will get EVEN MORE AMAZING on June 15, because that is when former governor of Florida Jeb Bush will reportedly announce that he, too, is running for president!

Come on, Scott Walker and Bobby Jindal—let's make it a baker's dozen!

I'm sure all of the many GOP candidates are up to tons of good stuff today, but here are the highlights:

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina has disclosed that she and her husband have a net worth of $59 million. Is that all?! That's only 0.236 Romneys! (1 Romney=$250 million.) DISAPPOINTING.

Senator Lindsey Graham says that Hillary Clinton's "refusal" to talk to the press makes her worse than North Korean leader Kim Jong-un: "'There's more spontaneity in North Korea than there is with her campaign,' Graham told the New Hampshire Union Leader on Tuesday, re-upping the comments again on Fox News on Thursday morning. 'I mean, it's easier to talk to Kim Jong-un than it is to her. At the end of the day, you're not going to be president of the United States with this model.'" He seems nice. And very fair. I guess the model with which he hopes to win the presidency is "Hugest of Unwashed Assholes."

And today's WORST CLOWN IN THE CLOWN CAR AWARD goes to Senator Ted Cruz, who had to apologize after making a joke about Vice President Joe Biden mere days after his son died. And here is the full text of his awesome apology posted to his Facebook page: "It was a mistake to use an old joke about Joe Biden during his time of grief, and I sincerely apologize. The loss of his son is heartbreaking and tragic, and our prayers are very much with the Vice President and his family." You know, the claim that you're praying about someone's devastating loss kinda rings hollow when it appears that you totally forgot about it while making snide jokes about them.

This fucking guy. All these fucking guys. And one gal.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle: Lincoln Chafee is officially in, and he wants the US to switch to the metric system. Okay! That is quite a platform! It looks to me to be about five feet or 1.524 meters!

Some Democrats are already advocating for Clinton to choose former San Antonio mayor and current housing secretary Julián Castro as her running mate if she wins the nomination. Sure! He seems fine! I can already 100% guarantee you that Fauxgressive Concern Trolls will have ALL THE THINGS TO SAY about there not being a white man on the ticket! Not because they're misogynist and racist, ho ho no, of course not, never. Just because they are so keenly aware that other people are. Bros, let me go ahead and propose now that we give it a chance, 'k?

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.