Primarily Speaking

Since I've already covered what the Democratic candidates are (not) doing, here's a round-up of some of the goings-on with the Republican candidates. All eleventy million of them.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore has filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission to run for president, making him the 17th major Republican candidate. "'I bring to the table experience that others don't have,' Gilmore said in an interview with the Richmond Times-Dispatch in July." Not true. There are definitely other Republican candidates that no one has ever heard of.

Speaking of former New York Governor George Pataki, here's the top recent news story on Pataki: "Why is George Pataki running for president?" Hahahahaha great campaign coverage! GIVE YOUR COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR A BONUS, PATAKI!

[Content Note: Anti-choice rhetoric] In other terrific headline news, Senator Marco Rubio was the beneficiary of this gem: "Marco Rubio: 'All this outrage over a dead lion, but where is all the outrage over the Planned Parenthood dead babies.'" Which, by the way, is a real thing in the world that this bozo actually tweeted.

Senator Ted Cruz made a desperate bid for attention by calling President Obama a sponsor of terrorism: "If this [Iran] deal is consummated, it will make the Obama administration the world's leading financier of radical Islamic terrorism." Mmm, nice try, Cruz—but you're gonna have to do better worse than that to stand out in a field that includes Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump!

[CN: Holocaust reference] Speaking of whom: Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee stands by his comment that President Obama is naive to "trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven," and now says that "looking back, I think that maybe the metaphor is not a good one. It should be strictly used. But in this case, it's absolutely appropriate because the Iranians are threatening the murder of millions of Jews." So the metaphor is inappropriate, except for how it's absolutely appropriate. This guy's not only a terrific theologian but also a stupendous philosopher!

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, however, goes out on a limb condemning Huckabee's fuckery (worst band name ever) with this impassioned defense of decency: "I don't agree with the hyperbolic nature of the comment, and I also think that it's somewhat offensive to the Israelis. ...I thought it was kind of off-key in a number of different ways, and something I wouldn't have said." WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE, CHRISTIE! DON'T GET TOO IMPASSIONED ABOUT IT! Obviously, I'm being super unfair to Chris Christie, who is known for his calm, level-headed demeanor and not getting worked up about stuff.

In fundraising news, Ohio Governor John Kasich, one of the more recent gentlemen to take up occupancy in the clown car, has already raised $11 million. Or, rather, his superPAC, with which his campaign is definitely not coordinating because that's against the law and thus no presidential campaigns ever do it, has raised $11 million.

*takes a breather.* Jesus fucking Jones there are so many of these assholes! *deep breath*

In case you've been holding out on making your Official Republican Clown Selection, waiting to see at whom to direct your millions of donations in Ronpaulbuxxx until John McCain made his pick, your long national nightmare is over: "John McCain to Campaign for Lindsey Graham Next Week." Congratulations, Lindsey Graham! That's a real "get." Maybe McCain will even lend you the Straight Talk Express! Or the McCain Plane.

Speaking of Lindsey Graham, the same comedy geniuses behind his "How to Destroy Your Cell Phone" video have made a video with Dr. Ben Carson, in which Carson, who is a surgeon, plays a game of "Operation" and makes an Obamacare joke. Terrific stuff. *thisface*

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina is still definitely a Republican candidate for president who is presumably somewhere talking about Hillary Clinton right now.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! (Awwwww, just like old times!)

Something something Ron Rand Paul. (Like father like son!)

Sweatervest aficionado Rick Santorum says that the Republican Party will need a skilled communicator to win in 2016. Well, I guess that leaves you out, Lord Winsome.

*oh godddddd there are still four more to go Maude help meeeeeeeeee*

Here's just a great bit of coverage for Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal: "Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal accused rival Jeb Bush on Wednesday of backing 'amnesty' in the former Florida governor's interview with msnbc's Jose Diaz-Balart—even though Jindal's own rhetoric on the issue sounds nearly identical." LOL! In case you're wondering if their identical immigration policies are any good, they are not! I'm sorry—I should have warned you to repose on your fainting couches before delivering that news!

I love every single thing about this article on Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's CHEESESTEAKGATE. From the fact that it exists at all to the photos of protesters holding up signs reading "Scott Walker lives inside my butt" and "Scott Walker sniffs his own poop." Perfection.

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush is doing awesome in a bunch of polls that don't matter, losing even in the state he once governed to Donald Trump. Keep up the good work of at least not saying THE WORST things, Jeb Bush! It might see you through, this flying under the radar as only the ninth-worst terrible or whatever.

Which brings us to the belle of the bozo ball: Donald Trump. We've now discussed many times how Trump's bluntess is valued by conservative voters because he's delivering the polished turd of conservative politics without the polish. JUST STRAIGHT-UP TURDS ALL DAY EVERY DAY ALL THE TIME. And also how his bluntness is mischaracterized as "truth-telling," because he's simply reflecting back conservative voters' bigoted opinions to them. Well, here is just the most amazing and horrifying piece in which New Hampshire Trump-lovers are interviewed about why they like him so much:

"He says it like it is," said Jessica, a data analyst, during the focus group in the first-in-the-nation primary state, conducted by Purple Strategies at St. Anselm College in Manchester. "He speaks the truth."

"He's willing to tell you his opinion," Andrew, an educator, said. "So many other politicians won't take an opinion."

Many said Trump's success in the business world appealed to them.

"Business, we need business and I like his roughness," said Danielle, a financial-planning consultant, adding, "He's just tough, we need someone tough."

"Donald Trump is strong," Nick, a home inspector, said. "He carries a sentiment and frustrations that I think a lot of Americans are going through and feeling right now. He's the one that's able to articulate that, and bring those frustrations to light. I believe him when he talks."

..."He's like one of us. He may be a millionaire, which separates him from everybody else, but besides the money issue, he's still in tune with what everybody is wanting," Janet, a former dog breeder, said.

..."I haven't heard a lot of positions," Andy said. "But one thing is when he takes a position, and I'll use the John McCain thing, he didn't turn around two days later and say 'Oh no, that's not what I'm supposed to say.' He stayed with what he believed in, and that's, to me, what I'm looking for."

It just goes on and on and on like that. The Republicans can try to disown him all they want, or call him an extremist, but the reason he's popular is because he's saying exactly what their base wants to hear.

The first Republican debate is August 6 (HOW CAN IT BE NEXT WEEK ALREADY OMG HELP ME) and all the other candidates who are participating (only the top 10 polling will be allowed) are scrambling to figure out how to deal with Trump. Well, here's an idea: Just let him talk, and we'll find out if your base is really ready for the rest of the country to see your policies in all their naked glory, or if it's flinch time—and back to the careful rhetoric of the chronically cynical.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.