Primarily Speaking

[NB: Not only women need access to abortion, but Rand Paul doesn't think about that.]
I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! I love I love I love the primaries and I just can't hide it! Are you as excited as I am! I BET YOU ARE! If you are so excited about all the cool people running for president, please check this box: □

[Content Note: Misogyny; war on agency] Today, we begin with Senator Rand Paul, who is a libertarian, which means he believes in FREEDOM! Unless you are a pregnant person. Then your body should be a ward of the state and you should have no agency, no autonomy, and no choice—which Paul believes isn't incompatible with FREEDOM! for reasons that are a mystery lost to the sands of time or whatever.


In other news that exemplifies the quiet dignity and serious policy discussions that define this Republican primary, former Texas Governor Rick Perry has challenged Donald Trump to a pull-up contest. "Trump scoffed at the idea of Perry running a successful campaign, telling the Daily Mail that the governor lacked the 'energy,' 'brainpower,' and 'toughness' to do so. When question, Perry, not one to be out-toughened, said, 'Let's get a pull-up bar out there, and let's see who can do the most pull-ups.'"

"WOWEE WOW THAT GUY CAN DO ELEVENTY PULL-UPS! HE'S GOT MY VOTE FOR PRESIDENT!" said no one ever.

Meanwhile, Gold Toilet Aficionado Donald Trump is still Donald Trump's biggest fan: "I think that I would be a great uniter. I think that I would have great diplomatic skills. I think that I would be able to get along with people very well. I've had a great success in my life. I think the world would unite if I were the leader of the United States." Does Trump realize that you can't just threaten other world leaders with $500 million lawsuits if they don't do what you want?

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush is getting all the hottest headlines this week: "Jeb Bush Takes Positions on Climate Change, EPA Rules, Other Energy Issues." Naturally, those positions are garbage, but at least he's recycling!

Someone shoot Jeb Bush the memo that this year's primary isn't about "taking positions." BO-RING! If he wants votes, he needs to make a cool video in which he's playing Twister with Dubya or challenge George Pataki to a duel.

I'm sure all thirteen (!!!!!!) other Republican candidates are getting up to typically terrific things today, but moving on to the Democrats...

Something something Hillary Clinton emails something something. I promise if anything of any nefarious nature ever comes from a bunch of nerds pawing through Clinton's emails, I will tell you. Otherwise: Who cares.

Senator Bernie Sanders vows to "not run for president as an Independent if he falls short in his bid to secure the Democratic 2016 nomination. Speaking at the Newseum in Washington on Thursday, Sanders said that if he ran a third-party campaign, it would draw support away from the Democratic nominee, potentially handing Republicans the White House. 'I would not want to be responsible for electing some right-wing Republican president,' Sanders said." Thanks, Bernie!

Finally: Remember when I mentioned that Sanders was going all-in on a $15 minimum wage? And I said: "There are multiple schools of thought about this on the progressive side of the aisle: Some progressives support the across-the-board $15 minimum wage hike; some progressives support a minimum wage increase that's tied to a percentage of local cost of living (because $15/hour doesn't mean the same thing in NYC as it does in Smalltownville, Indiana). I am in the latter faction, because I think it should be more than $15 in a lot of places, and also because there are lots of small business owners in much of Middle America (especially small business owners who are white women or people of color who started with a minority business loan) who can't afford a $15/hour minimum wage, but could afford a locally livable wage less than that. But other people, like Sanders, support the flat minimum wage increase."

So, Sanders has been hitting hard at Clinton for not supporting the $15/hour minimum wage, but, earlier this month, when Clinton noted she supported an increase to $15/hour in some places, I hoped that would mean she might support a minimum wage increased tied to cost of living.

Now Clinton has offered some support for a proposal for a $12/hour minimum wage and: "Clinton advocated an unspecified increase in the federal minimum wage—which has stood at $7.25 per hour since 2009—and then allowing states and local governments to make adjustments as they see fit based on regional cost-of-living variations."

Which is a nuanced position that takes into consideration vast variations in cost of living across the country. But you will almost certainly see this framed as "Sanders supports $15/hour minimum wage and Clinton supports $12/hour minimum wage." Because reasons also lost to the sands of time.

For what it's worth, I think progressives should be talking about a basic guaranteed income, not a minimum wage, but that is why I am not a partisan Democrat! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.