You Peasants Don't Even Know How to Yawn!

I was so busy last week galavanting around exotic locales and consciously uncoupling from my (formerly!) favorite fishmonger because he refuses to deliver to my yacht that I almost missed an exciting dispatch from our favorite aspirational lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow! But thanks to Kaiser, I was alerted to some sage advice from The Great Gwynsby's latest GOOP newsletter.

Actual Title: "Why Yawning Is Important—And How to Optimize the Reflex." I bet you garbage-brained peasants didn't even know you should be optimizing your yawning reflex, did you?!

Actual Opening Paragraph:

The other night at a dinner with Michael Lear, a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation in this country, he caught, out of the corner of his very alert eye, the suppression of a yawn. (It was late.) "Please yawn," he explained. "Really give into it, as it's the body's primary way to release and stretch the jaw and neck muscles after a long day of work and conversation." And then, since yawning is contagious, there was a good 30-60 second stretch of yawning back and forth. "There's a perception that it's rude or that it means that you're bored, but the reality is that it's a very important mechanism for releasing stress. It feels good for a reason: Trust that your body knows how to calibrate itself."

My life is such a wreck. I don't have dinner with yogi quarterbacks with eyes so alert that they can actually detect suppressed yawns like some kind of superhumans! Honestly, y'all, I didn't even realize that mindfulness was a sport that had quarterbacks. I am NOT living the dream.

Anyway! The important thing is that now I, and—by my gracious willingness to share all the best life tips I learn from rich thin white ladies—now you will, know how to yawn correctly.

YAWN #1

1. Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

2. Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed. Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.

3. Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

4. When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

5. Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

1. Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

2. Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

Listen, I don't mean to brag, but I was definitely already doing all of these steps, except for the Ujjayi breathing. And I definitely know what Ujjayi breathing is. Don't you? It's like the cashmere of breathing, for fuck's sake.

Actual Final Line: "Note: Tearing is not necessary for this exercise to be beneficial." But if your eyes don't tear while you practice OPTIMIZED YAWNING, it's probably because you're low on natural fish oils. Better call your favorite fishmonger STAT.