I Write Letters

[Content Note: Conservative politics.]

Dear Donald Trump: Why are you even running for president? That's rhetorical, of course. I know that merely being a multibillionaire and star of your own reality TV show has lost its capacity to satiate your voraciously needy ego, but you do realize that if you are elected president, you'd actually have to work, right? You couldn't rely on your father's coattails or ghost writers or underpaid production assistants to get shit done. The fact that you don't have a single discernible concrete policy proposal suggests to me you are not keen on the sort of work the US presidency demands. Maybe you should just wrap it up, take your unfathomably high poll numbers home with you, declare some sort of pyrrhic victory over the other dipshits in the clown car, and go take a nap. Regards, Liss.

Dear Dr. Ben Carson: Why are you even running for president? You don't have a single iota of legislative experience, executive experience, domestic police experience, foreign policy experience, or even any observable political acumen. I'm sure somewhere in these great United States of ours, there is a person who could be a successful president under the grim circumstance of a cavernous void of qualifications, but you, sir, are not that person. Time to wrap it up. Regards, Liss.

Dear Jeb Bush: Why are you even running for president? I understand it's a family tradition, but your family is terrible and its tradition of obtaining the presidency to start wars in Iraq is the worst. You also don't seem very competent or trustworthy or decent. Which I realize aren't prerequisites for Republican candidates, but you also don't seem very good at politics. Please drop out to spend more time with your awful family. Regards, Liss.

Dear Chris Christie: Why are you even running for president? You are a bully, and the global community does not need more bullies. It needs more diplomats, and you're about as diplomatic as a cranky two-year-old being denied a toy at the grocery check-out. Every aspect of the presidency requires personality traits you comprehensively lack. You're constitutionally unqualified to be president, and you don't even seem to care, which is just another reason you should never be elected and should never have run in the first place. Reexamine your life. Regards, Liss.

Dear Rand Paul: Why are you even running for president? Are you even running for president? Nobody cares. Including, seemingly, you. Give it a rest. Give us all a rest. Regards, Liss.

Dear Carly Fiorina: Why are you even running for president? Your only asserted qualification is having been a corporate CEO, and you were a colossal failure at that. Why should anyone vote for you? Because you're not Hillary Clinton, as you incessantly remind us? Well, neither am I. That doesn't make me qualified to be president. It doesn't make you qualified to be president, either. Regards, Liss.

Dear Ted Cruz: Why are you even running for president? You appear to be significantly more interested in being a grandstanding obstructionist nightmare in Congress and being the master of ceremonies for the cyclopean shitshow that is the Republican caucus. And you're really good at it. So why don't you just stay there and be a big fish in a mephitic cesspool instead of even pretending you have the skills and fortitude to run a country? Regards, Liss.

Dear George Pataki: Why are you even running for president? Nobody even knows you're running! And anybody who does know you're running doesn't care! Hardly anyone even knows who the fuck you are! At best, your name will ping some dusty memory of a guy who was maybe a governor once? Or a game show host? Or a stand-up comic in the 1950s? Why would you even think that you would be competitive, no less that you could win?! What are you even doing?! Regards, Liss.

Dear Mike Huckabee: Why are you even running for president? This isn't a theocracy. You are not running to be head pastor of the mega-est megachurch. Literally nothing about your ideology or vision is appropriate for a multicultural nation. I'm no professor of career advising, but it seems like you're better suited to sit at home reading your Bible during commercial breaks on Fox News and shouting disgruntled complaints about how the world refuses to conform itself to your will while your wife rolls her eyes in the kitchen. Look into that. Regards, Liss.

Dear Marco Rubio: Why are you even running for president? You have failed utterly to distinguish yourself as a leader in any way at all. The most remarkable thing about you is that you once drank a bottle of water on air in an awkward way. That isn't really a presidential qualification. It's honestly not even a qualification for being a bottled water spokesman. I'm sure there's a nice lobbying job that would be perfect for you. Update your résumé and go find your dream sinecure! Regards, Liss.

Dear Bobby Jindal: Why are you even running for president? The only reason that you aren't remembered for giving the worst State of the Union rebuttal ever given is because Marco Rubio awkwardly drank a bottle of water during his. You were upstaged by someone awkwardly drinking water! That's how incapable of leaving a significant impression you are. You will never win. Regards, Liss.

Dear Lindsay Graham: Why are you even running for president? You are so terrible, and yet you and I both know that you are too moderate (!!!) for the Republican base because you've actually conceded the possibility that undocumented immigrants might be human beings. In case you haven't noticed, Donald Trump is leading polls of your prospective voters by running on the exact opposite position. Your base, it turns out, is way more terrible than you are. Game over. Regards, Liss.

Dear John Kasich: Why are you even running for president? You have the decency of rabid weasel and all the charisma of a dead slug. And your politics are virtually indistinguishable from all these other assholes. You're not even original in your abject garbage politics. You're a jerk and a bore. Half this country might vote for jerks, but they won't vote for jerks who are also bores. Tough luck, loser. Regards, Liss.

Dear Rick Santorum: Why are you even running for president? You had a short tenure as a US Senator a million years ago, and, other than that, you're pretty much just famous for being a dirtbag. That isn't a qualification for the presidency, pal. You don't have what it takes. Do you really not know that? You should know that. Regards, Liss.

Dear Jim Gilmore: Who? Regards, Liss.