Primarily Speaking

So, Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton will be testifying before the Select Committee on Benghazi later this week, and I don't even know what in miscalculating hell these Republican fuckbrains are even thinking, since every time they question Clinton, they end up looking like epic dipshits.

Paul Waldman says as much in the WaPo, after first noting the string of recent humiliations for the panel, before she's even arrived:

And what's going to happen on Thursday? Understand that most of the time, congressional testimony makes the witness look much better than the questioners. There are exceptions here and there, but a well-prepared witness who knows the facts will usually look almost heroic when posed against a bunch of grandstanding blowhards trying in vain to trip her up. The Republicans on the committee will be trying so, so hard, but their main problem is that they just don't have the thing they hoped they would find: evidence that Clinton committed some act of malfeasance or corruption that led to the deaths of four Americans on that night in Benghazi three years ago.

Which is why, when they originally began negotiating over this testimony, Gowdy wanted it to be in private. If it was, then committee members could do what they’ve been doing all along: selectively leak out-of-context snippets of her testimony to the press in an attempt to make her look bad, while keeping the full context secret. Clinton insisted on testifying publicly, and so she will.

It's possible that Clinton could perform terribly in her testimony on Thursday, just as it's possible that the committee will discover some shocking new information that none of the prior investigations managed to find. But it's more likely that the committee's Republicans will seem more angry about their inability to catch her in a crime than about whatever awful thing she was supposed to have done, while she succeeds in making the whole investigation look like a farce.

Her testimony will be the big story in the news on Friday. Then it will be the subject of a hundred think pieces over the weekend. By next week, the only real question Republicans be asking themselves is, how did we screw this up so badly?

But instead of approaching this colossal farce with even a modicum of humility, with even a shred of awareness of how it's going to go, instead we're getting shit like Alabama Representative Mo Brooks pronouncing that Clinton "would be a unique president if she is elected by the public next November because the day she's sworn in is the day that she's subject to impeachment because she has committed high crimes and misdemeanors." A Day One impeachment! Neat!

Speaking of Day One, Democratic candidate (???) Lawrence Lessig, who said he would ideally "resign in a day" after being elected and immediately passing campaign finance reform by magic, has admitted his proposal was garbage. "Yeah, that's stupid. That was totally stupid. I withdraw that promise. I am not going to resign. I am running for president with the commitment to pass legislation that gets our democracy back." Vote for this guy! He's definitely got his shit together!

Speaking of having your shit together, Jim Webb may be considering a run as an Independent. Boy, if he thinks he didn't get enough time during a debate as a Democrat, wait 'til he finds out how much time he'll get during debates as an Independent!

In case you haven't heard, Bernie Sanders is a socialist! But more like a "democratic socialist capitalist." Okay. I don't really care what any candidate calls him- or herself. All I care about is the quality of their ideas and their competency as a leader!

Vice President Joe Biden may be running! Get your stories ready! But maybe he's not running! Get those stories ready, too!

In other Democratic candidate news, Martin O'Malley and Lincoln Chafee are still definitely running for president!

On the other side of the aisle, gold toilet aficionado Donald Trump continues to lead the pack, and I continue to dry heave eleventy million times every time I have to type that sentence!

Meanwhile, Jeb Bush has fallen to single digits in the latest University of North Florida poll. Single digits in his home state! He's really ripping it up on the campaign trail!

In other Bush family news, former President George W. Bush, brother o' Jeb, reportedly hates Ted Cruz. Well, whaddaya know? After all these years, Mondo Fucko and I finally have something in common!

[Content Note: Nazi references; antisemitism; video may autoplay at last link] Dr. Ben Carson is still polling second to Trump, which is fucking gobsmacking, and I would say despite his fascination with Nazi Germany, except, let's be honest, it's probably more because of said fascination. Alarmist hyperbole about liberals plays well with the conservative base. Almost as well as rank racism and misogyny! Like, three points less.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is doing his darnedest to get noticed with some of his own Hate Bandwagoning, vowing to fight an injunction that stops his administration's Department of Health and Hospitals from defunding Planned Parenthood Gulf Coast. He REALLY REALLY REALLY hates women, y'all! Why won't you love him for hating women so much?!

[NB: Not only women need access to abortion, but Jindal does not give a fuck about that.]

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is still convinced he's gonna win, despite being "low on cash and short on poll results." Okay. Well, good luck with that!

I'm sure weirdo hate-peddler Rick Santorum is getting up to something somewhere wearing a nifty sweatervest, but who fucking cares.

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina enjoyed a small pop in the polls following the second Republican debate, where she conclusively proved she is definitely not Hillary Clinton, her #1 (and only) qualification, but it was short-lived: "Carly Fiorina's Numbers Plunge in Latest CNN Poll." Ouch.

Something something Rand Paul.

Senator Marco Rubio came in third in that Florida poll, and I hope if he's celebrating hard, he's keeping well hydrated!

Ohio Governor John Kasich is getting most of his support and donations from Ohio. Obviously. Because basically no one has heard of him anywhere else. If he were actually running for president, and not running in the hopes of landing some cushy sinecure with some grotesque lobbying firm when he leaves the governor's mansion in Ohio, no one knowing or caring about him would make him pretty sad I bet!

Senator Lindsey Graham is still a human being running for the US presidency on the Republican ticket.

Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee claims he's never "disparaged" LGBT people. LOLOLOLOLOLOL FUCK YOU! "I don't think I have disparaged people... I feel like I've held to a very consistent, biblical standard of marriage." OMG THIS FUCKING GUY!

In other Republican candidate news, Jim Gilmore and George Pataki are still definitely running for president!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.