Round Three Wrap-Up!

Last night was the third Republican debate (only eight more to go!) and I did not watch it! I tuned in just in time to see the closing statements, and I immediately regretted it!

After reading the transcript and watching clips this morning, I believe it's pretty clear that, although the official theme of the debate was "Your Money, Your Vote," the unofficial theme of the debate was WE HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH!

Here's a fun exchange between Ohio Governor John Kasisch and gold toilet aficionado Donald Trump that essentially translates as:

Kasich: "YOU ARE SO TERRIBLE AND INCOMPETENT AND HAVE NO SKILLS TO BE PRESIDENT!"

Trump: "YOU ARE A LOSER AND OHIO IS STUPID AND YOU WORKED FOR A BANK AND I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A GOLD TOILET!"

What a neat debate!

And here's a fun exchange between former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Florida Senator Marco Rubio that essentially translates as:

Bush: "YOU AREN'T EVEN DOING YOUR DAMN JOB! JUST QUIT WHY DON'TCHA?"

Rubio: "YOU NEVER COMPLAINED WHEN JOHN MCCAIN WASN'T DOING HIS JOB! I AM UNAWARE THAT MEANS I JUST CONCEDED YOUR POINT! STOP ATTACKING ME IT WON'T WORK!"

Rubio was right about that last bit! Nothing Jeb Bush does is working! He's definitely not a job creator FOR HIS OWN DAMN SELF! Boom!

The debate was long on bickering and short on substance—and what policy ideas were discussed were of course total garbage. Rubio won the night, in my opinion, and had the best line of the evening (which, by the way, followed one of the worst lines of the evening):

Rubio: —to take off from that point and argue the same thing, and that is that one of the things you're watching tonight are eleven quality candidates debating an important issue. The Republican Party is blessed to have eleven good candidates—there are ten good candidates—and the Democrats can't even come up with one. And on this issue, on Medicare in particular, it's important, because they're gonna demagogue over what we're saying here tonight. Everyone that's up here tonight that's talking about reforms, I think, and I know for myself I speak for this, we're all talking about reforms for future generations. Nothing has to change for current beneficiaries. My mother's on Medicare and Social Security. I'm against anything that's bad for my mother! [laughter and applause] So, we're talking about reforms for people like me and people like Senator Cruz, as he talked about earlier, who are years away from retirement and have a way to plan for these changes. [glitch in audio] It's not too much to ask of our generation, after everything our parents and our grandparents did for us.

Eleven quality candidates! LOLOLOLOLOL NOPE!

But this is terrific: "I'm against anything that's bad for my mother!" Good one, Rubio. (He's used that in other speeches and debates before, but not quite so effectively. He really delivered it perfectly last night.) Naturally, when I say it's a good line, I mean it plays really well to his base—one of the few traces of effective politicking last night. Which doesn't mean it's not a shitty sentiment, because it is. Perfectly emblematic of conservative politics, which are about What's Good for Me and Mine and Fuck You.

Also: What he is proposing is dishonest garbage. And with any change in benefits, the concern isn't the people who are an entire generation away from retirement (and good job subtly reminding the viewers how young he is), but the people who are nearing retirement and don't have "a way to plan for these changes."

Anyway. You don't need me to tell you that Republicans' policies are crap!

You also don't need me to tell you that Mike Huckabee is a dirtbag, but I enjoy it so much! So here is Mike Huckabee answering a question about his biggest weakness:

I don't really have any weaknesses that I can think of. But my wife is down in the front, and I'm sure if you would like to talk to her later, she can give you more than you will ever be able to take care of.

Oh ho ho. What a card, this guy. He's perfect, but his harpy of a wife will give you a litany of complaints about him!

Mike Huckabee: Delivering policy AND comedy from the 1950's straight to your face!

In conclusion: These nightmares want to be your president. (Unless you don't live in the US. In which case, I will accept money and chocolate as sympathy gifts that they want to be my president.) And none of them should be allowed within eleventy-seven miles of the Oval Office. Or an Office Depot. Just to be safe.