Primarily Speaking

Goat|Paperclip 2016: Because the actual Republican candidates are a waking nightmare.
We are now a mere TEN MONTHS away from the presidential election, and we know two things for certain: 1. All of the Republican candidates are garbage nightmares; and 2. None of them should be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office.

Let's see what the Dirtbag Dozen are up to today!

Front runner and gold toilet aficionado Donald Trump continues to be suuuuuper terrible! And his daughter and surrogate spokesperson Ivanka appears on the cover of Town & Country (because obviously) to tell us all that he is not a misogynist and is, in fact, "one of the great advocates for women." Sure. "I think my dad is highly gender-neutral. ...He 100 percent believes in equality of gender." Case closed, Your Honor!

Joe McCarthy impersonator Ted Cruz is raffling off an engraved shotgun, because of course he is.

Thirsty jerk Marco Rubio continues to say many smart and decent things, like "President Barack Obama 'has deliberately weakened America' by making an effort to 'humble' the nation on the world stage" and "Not only is Hillary Clinton incompetent, she’s also a liar." He seems neat!

Meanwhile, pugilist Chris Christie, mixing Cruz's gun fetishization with Rubio's condescending commentary about the President, "called President Barack Obama 'a petulant child' for using executive action to curb gun violence." This fucking guy.

Something something Rand Paul liberty isolationism Jesus.

Shyamalanian surprise less smart brother Jeb Bush has a terrific plan to rescue his candidacy from swirling around the bottom of the bowl. Spoiler Alert! It's very basic politics and it's definitely not going to work!

Sweater vest supermodel Rick Santorum is taking aim at Cruz by mocking him for having read Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor during a filibuster in 2013. Good one, Santorum. A compelling argument.

Professor of Bible bigotry Mike Huckabee is also going after Cruz, with ads that essentially say he's not homophobic enough to be president. Cool argument, bro!

Reverse surging oddball Ben Carson has unveiled his flat tax plan. Terrific. "The plan, which Carson announced during an interview on Fox News, would tax individuals and corporations alike at 14.9 percent and would eliminate tax deductions and loopholes." Sounds amazing. A+ venue.

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina is being criticized for tweeting that, although she loves her alma mater Stanford, she was "rooting for a Hawkeyes win today." Whooooooops! "It earned her criticism for what many saw as an attempt to pander to voters in Iowa, the influential first-caucus state. But an interview with Dana Bash on CNN on Sunday, Fiorina said her tweet was clearly 'tongue in cheek.' 'Can't a girl ever have a little bit of fun?' Fiorina said." THAT'S ALL THEY REALLY WANT TO HAVE! Fiorina doesn't get that people understand it's a joke; they just think it's a shitty one that reveals something about her opportunistic nature. Add that to the list of things Fiorina doesn't understand about politics and policy, which currently includes literally everything.

"Moderate" John Kasich "is airing his first television advertisement in New Hampshire this week, hoping to break through in the chaotic Republican presidential race with a debut spot that highlights his rough upbringing, personal resilience and governing achievements. The intended takeaway from the 30-second ad, which uses arresting imagery and is heavy on biography: 'John Kasich never gives up.'" Hahahaha even when he definitely should! Give up and go home, John Kasich!

Jim Gilmore is still a real person who is running for president.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle...

Martin O'Malley has not dropped out!

Hillary Clinton [CN: sexual assault; video may autoplay at link] responded to a heckler with: "You are very rude and I'm not going to ever call on you." Haha! The heckler was Republican New Hampshire State Representative Katherine Prudhomme O'Brien, and she later "told reporters she was trying to ask Clinton about Juanita Broaddrick a woman who in 1999 made rape allegations against Bill Clinton." This, after Trump has taken to using Bill Clinton's history of sexual misconduct against Clinton, tweeting: "If Hillary thinks she can unleash her husband, with his terrible record of women abuse, while playing the women's card on me, she's wrong!" Clinton's got to come up with a good response to this line of attack, and I frankly think it should be something like: "Mr. Trump, if you think I've never had words for my husband about his misogyny, then you obviously don't know me very well. But my husband isn't running for president: You are. And I will continue to have words for you about your misogyny."

Y'all are well familiar by now with my disdain for Bernie Sanders' campaign manager Jeff Weaver, and buried deep in this piece on Weaver comes this tidbit:

The blowback outside the campaign [after Weaver made shitty misogynist comments in an October interview with Bloomberg Politics] was fierce. But there was also blowback within the Sanders campaign as well, as some aides said the language crossed a line. Mr. Sanders said on MSNBC that the comment "was inappropriate," although it is not clear whether he suggested that Mr. Weaver apologize.

However, others in the campaign did. The Sanders campaign's New Hampshire state director, Julia Barnes, asked Mr. Weaver to apologize for the comments, and voiced her displeasure to him in clear terms. He never did, telling unhappy staffers on a conference call after the report aired that their team needed to be mindful that the Clinton campaign was about to unleash attacks on Mr. Sanders, according to three people with direct knowledge of the episode.

So, a female state campaign director asks Weaver to apologize for misogynistic comments about Clinton, and not only does Weaver not apologize, but instead just demonizes Clinton.

I really dislike this guy. And I really find it difficult to trust Sanders when he puts so much stock in someone who is such an asshole.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.