Primarily Speaking

[Content Note: Birtherism] Joe McCarthy impersonator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so he's ineligible to be president. So says gold toilet aficionado Donald Trump. And now there are eleventy-seven million stories about whether Cruz is eligible or not, by virtue of his birth. How about the fact that he's ineligible for the presidency because he's a fucking dipshit?

In other Cruz Nooz, he and Trump are locked in a dead heat for least worst in Iowa: "Less than three weeks before Iowa caucus-goers cast the first votes of the 2016 presidential election, the Republican contest in the crucial first heat has boiled down to two neck-and-neck races, one between U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas and Donald Trump and another between U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson. A new Bloomberg Politics/Des Moines Register Iowa Poll shows Cruz and Trump, the two fiercest anti-establishment candidates, locked in a tight race for first place, well ahead of the rest of the pack. Following at a distance are Rubio and Carson, battling for third place. None of the other contenders can muster more than 5 percent support from likely Republican caucus-goers."

Meanwhile, pugilist Chris Christie swears he definitely never donated to Planned Parenthood and HOW DARE YOU accuse him of such decency?!

Something something Rand Paul liberty isolationism Jesus.

[CN: Appearance mockery] Shyamalanian surprise less smart brother Jeb Bush is really serving up the absolute dregs of desperation campaigning, making ha ha jokes about Marco Rubio's heeled boots with token MSNBC conservative Joe Scarborough: "'Jeb, do you own any platform boots that make you taller?' Scarborough asked, to which Bush responded, 'I got my cowboy boots on, big Joe.' (Bush is 6'3" to Rubio's 5'10"). 'Do they make you three inches taller or are they just normal cowboy boots?' Scarborough followed up. 'I don't have a height issue,' Bush added." Oof.

[CN: Homophobia] Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina shows off her excellent decision-making skills: "Campaigning in Iowa, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said she supports Indiana's controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which was passed last year amid fears that it would allow businesses to discriminate against gay people. ...'This is about religious liberty, not about discrimination,' she said." Good grief.

[CN: Homophobia] Sweater vest supermodel Rick Santorum, who thinks Supreme Court decisions are suggestions, says that "when you say the states have the right to define marriage, it's like saying, well, the states have the right to redefine the chemical equation for water, it can be H3O instead of H2O. Well, the states can't do that. ...The states don't have the right to violate what nature has dictated." Wow. WOW.

"Moderate" John Kasich continues to work very hard to not fill the charisma void left by George Pataki.

Professor of Bible bigotry Mike Huckabee says you can't make college free, because then students would cut class. No, seriously: "I can speak to the common-sense language of the people and explain to them, as I did to a young lady today who asked me, she said, 'What can you do to maybe see that I can have free college?' ...And I went on to explain to her that if we gave it to you for free, you wouldn't appreciate it; you'd probably cut class." LOLOLOLOL OMG.

Jim Gilmore is still a real person who is running for president.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle...

Hillary Clinton got an endorsement from former Attorney General Eric Holder, who says she is "the candidate that we need in the White House [to continue] the progress of President Obama."

Bernie Sanders is catching up in the polls, and now trails Clinton by only 7 points nationally.

Martin O'Malley "failed to qualify as a write-in candidate for Ohio's presidential primary after he previously fell short of the signatures needed for his name to appear on the key swing state's ballot." Whoooooops!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.