Butch Goes to Stays in Trumpland to Talk to Hillary Voters

Hey, my favorite assortment of feminist bats! It's me, Butch Pornstache, here with some more pearls of wisdom for ya!

Except this time, they aren't coming from my brain, but the brains of a bunch of ladies!

See, since that dipshit Trump is closing in on his first 100 days of ruining the country and probably the whole damn world, a bunch of media outlets are sending reporters to interview Trump voters in places like where I live, to see how they think he's doing.

SPOILER ALERT: They think he's doing great because their thinkers are broken!

And since Liss is too busy writing TL;DR essays about Hillary Clinton and attending to other ladynerd business, she dispatched me to talk to some Clinton voters to get their take (HOT LADY HOT TAKES) on how Trump has been doing, since no one in the real media seems to give a dog fart about their opinions.

So I took my trusty tape recorder, which I keep on hand at all times to record my best thoughts, like "Handlebar BEARD" and "Pickles?" (they're not all winners), and I journeyed out to find some local femifarts to interview.

I found one in my living room. Once I'd convinced my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy that was I not trying to record her to relaunch my old late-'90s radio show, "Butch's BMX Hour and Tammy Getting on My Nerves," she agreed to an interview.

I asked her the question I asked every confirmed Clinton voter I found: "How do you think that asshole Donald Trump's presidency has gone his first fumblefucked 100 days?"

Tammy Pornstache, 48: "You remember that time you spilled motor oil all over the garage and then for some godforsaken reason thought that peanut butter would soak up the oil, and you just smeared it all around and made an even huger mess, then gave up and fucked off to O'Tooterly's for a beer, and the dog licked it up, because you know how he loves peanut butter, and barfed all over the entire house, and I had to take him to the vet and spend the $3,000 I wanted to use on a vacation to Branson getting his guts fixed, and another $450 getting industrial cleaners to deal with the garage, and I couldn't even send you to your mom's because she was still pissed about your setting fire to her shed with a blowtorch, so I was just stuck with your dumb ass even though I was madder than all hell? Pretty much that."

I found my next subject (JOURNALISM) in the kitchen. My stepmom Cheryl gave the same answer Tammy did, though, and I ain't gonna transcribe that shit twice.

Then I headed over the YWCA, where I interviewed some ladies who were just leaving their Zumba swim class, whatever that is.

Peggy Lorpus, 52: "How do I think he's doing?! What kind of question is that?! I think he's doing a terrible job, like anyone with any goddamned sense! Jesus Christ! Is this what journalism has come to—just asking a bunch of random people what they think about how Trump is doing?! Christ on a stick, no wonder this country is a goddamned dumpster fire!"

Abby Dooley, 39: "Fuck him! Can I say fuck? Fuck him! FUUUUUUUCK! We are so fucked! FUCK!"

Shondra Reeves, 47: "I miss Obama. We were supposed to have to have President Hillary." [Quiet sobbing.]

I then headed over to a bar called "Chicks," where, back in my single days (LADIES), I never had any luck picking up girls, even though I was usually the only guy in the joint.

Latisha Dunbar, 38: "Do you want a long answer, or a short one?" [I assured her I preferred a short answer.] "Fuck, man. That's what I think of his first 100 days. Just fuck, man. We're fucked."

Rose O'Keefe, 29: "The best thing I can say is that he hasn't blown us all to shit yet. But I expect that he will sooner rather than later."

Sadie Winkle, 52: "Maybe he'll die soon." [I gotta be honest: I didn't catch everything she said, because I was PRETTY STOKED to be in the presence of local royalty. I mean WINKLE FUCKING CREEK was named after her family, man!]

Cathy Lorde, 67: "Maybe he'll die soon. If not, hopefully I will."

That shit was getting pretty depressing, so I headed over to the urgent care clinic, where I found a bunch of nurses smoking out back.

Tina Sanchez, 59: "Shit shit, fuck, shit, I hate his face, I can't even stand to look at him. He's ruining everything. I will never see a woman president in my lifetime. Shit."

Janet Dwibble, 41: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeggghhhhrrreeeee!" [Best transcription of the sound she made at the mention of Trump's name. SORRY.]

Barb Dengleback, 62: "The whole lot of 'em—Trump, Mike Pence, Steve Bannon, Reince Priebus, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, all those creepy kids—should be flushed down the toilet! Get ridda all of 'em! We barely survived 100 days; I don't even know how we'll survive four years. Hillary, take the wheel!"

By this time, the nurse ladies were clutching each other and crying, so I took that as my cue to leave.

I forgot to turn off my recorder, so there was one more quote, but I couldn't tell who said it, since I was walking back to my bike at the time.

"FUCKING MEN."

Readers, this journalist finds it hard to disagree! Partly because of all the pictures of dudes and zero ladies calling the shots at the White House, but mostly because I have detected through my investigative work that lots of women are very angry about Donald Trump, and I am not about to cross them.

You're welcome, CNN.

Pornstache: OUT.