Paul Ryan Is Not Running Again, or Something

We've heard this before, but Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly not going to seek reelection to Congress at the end of this term.

Speaker Paul Ryan is a truly good man, and while he will not be seeking re-election, he will leave a legacy of achievement that nobody can question. We are with you Paul!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 11, 2018

I guess that makes it official? Who knows. The source of that tweet has a reputation for not knowing what the fuck he's talking about.

Anyway.

I have a few thoughts about why Ryan may be refusing to seek reelection.

1. He's a coward who wants to escape accountability for the collapse of our democracy, which he eagerly helped create.

2. He's only "retiring" from the House so that he can run for the Senate. There aren't any strong Republican challengers for Tammy Baldwin's seat in Wisconsin, which the GOP would very much like to claim.

3. This news, especially combined with the news that his predecessor John Boehner will campaign with GOP candidates (whut), is all designed to be a huge distraction from something Trump is fixing to do.

4. There's something ugly about to come out about Ryan — or would have, if he hadn't agreed to ride off into the sunset.

5. He's a money-grubbing jerkbag who feels the time is right to segue into the private sector and find a sinecure at some conservative think[sic]tank or become a commentator who shares his cool thoughts as the country burns.

6. He wants to spend more time with his barbells.

7. He's a coward.

Feel free to share your own theories, musings, and suspicions in comments!

Depending on why we're getting this news today, and whether it's serving some other purpose that isn't yet clear, it may not be accurate. But, if it is, I hope Paul Ryan's retirement is spent with his being treated exactly how he has always treated others.