Film Corner: Tag

Friends, let us talk about the major motion picture Tag, coming to theaters near you on June 15. Below, the trailer:

We open on the scene at a wedding. Jeremy Renner stands at the altar exchanging vows with Leslie Bibb. Old pals Jon Hamm, Jake Johnson, and Hannibal Buress sit in the back row, having a silly dude conversation. (Trust me, its contents don't matter.) As Renner and Bibb finish the ceremony with a kiss, Ed Helms runs down the aisle toward them, leaping at Renner, who steps out of the way, leaving Helms to smash into the officiant as the congregation gasps.

Cut to Helms explaining to Annabelle Wallis: "Our group of friends has been playing the same game of tag for thirty years."

Text onscreen, as "You Can't Touch This" starts playing: BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

Over scenes of the dudes "tagging" each other, Helms contines in voiceover: "For the entire month of May every year, we play tag."

Text onscreen: (WE'RE NOT KIDDING.)

Helms, in voiceover, over a scene of Hamm "tagging" Helms as his wife delivers a baby: "You never know when someone's gonna pop up."

Over various scenes that also don't matter, Helms explains that Renner is the best ever. He's never been tagged, and now he wants to retire. The nerve! Montagery. Renner eludes "tags." Various slapstick violence. Synchronize your watches jokes. The wives drink wine. The game keeps their dudes connected. It's the reason they have to stay in each other's lives. Dick joke.

Text onscreen: TAG: BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

Wait — is this movie based on a true story?! (Yes.) I wasn't sure, because the trailer was so cagey about it. Cough.

So, let me just say I really like most of the people in this cast, and I'm sure this movie was lots of fun to make, and good for them!

But all I could think when I saw this trailer was: This is a movie about a bunch of random dudes who play tag as grown-ups. There hasn't been a major American film about Marie Curie in my lifetime. Or my mother's lifetime.

Marie Curie was the first woman who came to mind. I have thought of about 200 more since, and I welcome you to share in comments all the women about whom major American films have not been made, but at least now we've got this cool TRUE STORY about guys who play tag.