Primarily Speaking

Welcome to another edition of Primarily Speaking, because presidential primaries now begin fully one million years before the election!

Let's start with a reminder that I have not chosen a candidate to support, despite every already-committed dipshit on Twitter accusing me of being in the bag for someone any time I make even the mildest criticism of their candidate, whoever it may be. If I do choose a specific candidate to support at any point, I will let you know!

Yesterday, Senator Kirsten Gillibrand formally launched her presidential campaign, announcing that "she will deliver her first major speech next week in front of Trump International Hotel in New York City." LOLOLOL I honestly could not love that more.

Cool guy Beto O'Rourke raised $6.1 million (!) in his first 24 hours as a presidential candidate. That's even more than Senator Bernie Sanders. OH DAMN. I wonder what Bernie will do to retake the money momentum from Beto. He'll have to do something really bold, like finally release his taxes!

In other Beto news, when asked if he supports the Equal Rights Amendment, Beto responded: "If we are unable to do this legislatively, or any other way, then yes." Uh-oh that is a very bad answer! For one, because any Democrat's answer to that question should be an unqualified yes. Also because recognizing women's equality in the Constitution literally can't be done legislatively. Yikes.

Senator Amy Klobuchar doesn't seem very impressed with Beto, either:

The Democrat from Minnesota said growing up in the 1970s "[running for president is] not what girls thought they were going to do" and the realization that she could somebody run for president developed over time.

"And so I think it's something that I didn't have from birth," she told NBC's Meet the Press in an interview that aired Sunday.

Host Chuck Todd asked: "You made a reference to born. Do you feel born to do this?"

"Oh, that's the Beto line," she said.

"It was the Beto line. But you brought it up," Todd responded.

"No, I will say that— You know, I have a lot of respect for Beto, and it's great to have some Texas in this race. But no, I wasn't born to run for office, just because growing up in the '70s, in the middle of the country, I don't think many people thought a girl could be president. I wasn't born to run. But I am running," she said.

Tell him.

Senator Cory Booker says that he will totes choose a female running mate, or be the veep for a female candidate, if he gets the chance: "No matter what — I'm looking you in the eye and saying this — there will be a woman on the ticket. I don't know if it's in the vice president's position or the president's position, but if I have my way, there will be a woman on the ticket."

Booker also said he still regrets that Hillary Clinton isn't president: "On his second campaign trip to New Hampshire, Booker reiterated his support for equal rights and said he hoped former Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, who he said was the most qualified candidate to ever run for president, had beaten Donald Trump. 'I wish there was a woman president right now. I worked very hard to make sure there was a woman president,' Booker said." Good stuff.

Following Governor Gavin Newsom's suspension of the death penalty in California, Senator Kamala Harris said she believes there should be a federal moratorium on executions, as well: "The senator from California discussed the matter on National Public Radio... Harris was asked if there should be 'a federal equivalent' to Newsom's order. She said, 'Yes, I think that there should be.' Asked if no one would be executed if Harris was president of the United States, she responded, 'Correct, correct.'" GOOD.

The AP says Senator Elizabeth Warren is running as an underdog (which is not my perception, but okay), and she says "This is the race I want to run," so that's all right then! Keep running your race, Liz! In the article, some people say she's not electable nationally, and all I could think is, Surely this country could not hate Elizabeth Warren more than they hate Donald Trump, but of course that is entirely possible! And also are we even going to have a real election?! HAHAHA OH BOY THIS COUNTRY!

Mayor Pete Buttigieg continues his public musings about when Sinister Veep Mike Pence lost his way or whatever, and it still annoys me very much! Naturally everyone on Twitter felt obliged to 'splain at me, since I am a dum-dum who doesn't understand politics, that Buttigieg was just appealing to conservative voters.

Turning an authoritarian bigot who allowed an HIV crisis on his watch, jailed women for miscarriages, and left 1 out of 6 people in his state food insecure into a sympathetic character to try to get votes from people who will NEVER vote for you isn't a strategy I can support.

— Melissa McEwan (@Shakestweetz) March 17, 2019

I am definitely going to lose it before this primary is over!

Whoooooooooooooooops Joe Biden almost accidentally announced that he was running for president before his big announcement that he's running for president or something. "'I get criticized by the new left. I have the most progressive record of anybody running for the United— anybody who would run,' Biden said, catching himself at a Delaware Democratic Party fundraising dinner. 'I didn't mean... Of anybody who would run! Because folks, we have to bring this country back together again.' The line drew a raucous response from the Biden-friendly crowd." Can you actually hear my eyes rolling? Meanwhile, Politico has a big story on how Biden is actually really wealthy. Yeah, I don't think anyone who wants to vote for Biden actually gives a shit, but nice try.

John Hickenlooper is still definitely running for president.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.